Jokes

[lliam]

Here's a few gags.

[bignaf]

no pah king and wa shing cah must be Bostonian Chinese. lol

[barfle]

36 - If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made from?

37 - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick?"

38 - If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

39 - If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

40 - If you throw a cat out the car window does it become kitty litter?

41 - Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

42 - What do people in China call their good plates?

43 - What do you call a male ladybug?

44 - What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

45 - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

46 - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

47 - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

48 - Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

49 - Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

50 - Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

51 - Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

52 - Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

53 - Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical questions?

54 - How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

55 - Why is "bra" singular and panties plural?

56 - If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

57 - If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

58 - If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

59 - Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?

60 - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

61 - What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

62 - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

63 - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

64 - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Serenity]

Big-
I'm not sure the Chinese have an R sound in their language. Maybe that's why they pronounce them very soft, like a W (like Elmer Fudd but not as accentuated). What I don't understand is why in Massachusetts (I think it's just the Dorchester accent) they don't pronounce the R yet they put an R sound where there are none. For example, "Pizza or Hot Dog" would be "Pizzer oa Hot Dog" (kind of like "Warshington"). Next time I'm in Boston's Chinatown I'll try to get something to eat just to do field research on this Chinese-Dorchester combo.

[barfle]

Have yah evah pahked youah cah at Bah Hahbah?
:confused:

[dkm32]

<img src="http://home.earthlink.net/~dkm32/images/Overture.gif" alt=" - " />

[bignaf]

someone I talk to a lot has that Dorchester accent. but he's not from Dorchester ??? it's funny and annoying.
Fenway Pahk!

[Serenity]

This one's for Dai Bread.-

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn", answers one of the New Zealanders.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Tickets please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers the New Zealander. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Kyle]

I have this funny saying:

The brain is divided into parts (left and right)

The left half has nothing right in it

and

The right half has nothing left in it.


HAHAHA!!!

[Serenity]

I never heard it but I like it!!

[OperaTenor]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you offer a ride to, knowing you could only take one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilema that was once actually used as a part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because otherwise she'd die, and thus you should save her first?

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired(out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answaered: "I would give my car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would then stay behind with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "think outside the box."

However, that wasn't the correct answer.

The correct answer is to run over the old lady, putting her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

. ...

[Serenity]

OT - I'm sorry you didn't get the job although I like your reply.

[OperaTenor]

That's okay. I'd rather be right than employed....

[dai bread 1]

Serenity, LOL, ROTFL, LMREO!

[lliam]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the
door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his
cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled
up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and
would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief...
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck
hit you."

"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

[jmfryar]

Since we're on lawyer jokes...

A couple about to be married got into a car accident the day before their wedding and died. When they went to Peter, they asked, "Peter, we would really like to be married here in heaven." Peter replied, "Why don't you wait a few years to make sure that you really would like to be together for forever." "OK" they replied. So they waited.

About a hundred years went by and they asked again. Again Peter said to wait a while. So again they waited. Another hundred years went by and they asked again. Peter finally said, "OK. Why not." So of course they had a grand wedding. About Eighty years went by and they came to Peter and asked for a divorce. Peter replied, "Wait just a minute. It took me two hundred years to get a priest up here. How do you think I will ever get a lawyer up here?"

[dkm32]

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

[bignaf]

"refused to apologize when wrong" and that is a... female trait? ???

[Shapley]

If we're doing sacriligous lawyer jokes:

Things got out of hand in hell one day, and the wall between heaven and hell was knocked down. Very Irate, God calls the devil and demands that he fix it immediately. The devil agrees and sets the damned souls to work on the repair job.

Needless to say, the job was sub-standard. In fact, it could be fairly be said that the wall looked like hell. To make matters worse, the wall was moved ten feet over the line, putting part of heaven in a hell of a state. Now fuming, God calls the devil again and demands that the wall be repaired properly, and restored to its original state. The devils responds negativily.

"Then I shall have to sue" God responds.
"And where," the devil asks, "are you going to get a lawyer?"

[OperaTenor]

That was a case where the puns in the body of the joke were at least as funny as the punch line. lol!