Jokes

[lliam]

Originally posted by eugene a.:
I've always wondered what is is the Brits state of mentality? What do they find funny? And what are their views on us American. Pardon my ignorance, just want to expand my culture.

Hi eugene a, over the last century the bond seems to have got stronger.

I've got a list of American sitcoms that I adore, one of my favourite's was 'Married with Children' with Ed O'Neil, it's being replayed on the Paramount channel. Ed O'Neil is doing a remake of the series 'Dragnet'.

The top voted sitcom made by the BBC is 'Only fools and horses' with David Jansen.

Another BBC sitcom was 'Some Mother's do have them' with a young, Michael Crawford and beautiful Michele Doltrice who's married to Edward Woodward who played 'The Equaliser' in the series of that name. That's my £0.02p worth for now.

[lliam]

A Meal To Die For
===================

There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow I'll jump off this cliff!"

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!"

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!"
A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the English lady said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like what we put in their sandwiches?"

And the Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff he made his own sandwiches!"

[lliam]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman

[dkm32]

Legally Blonde <img src="http://home.earthlink.net/~dkm32/images/blonde%20license_1.jpg" alt=" - " />

[dkm32]

There is some real wisdom in these.
-----------


Basic Philosophy

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Beethoven Bulletin Board and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies --- not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

<small>[ 07-14-2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: dkm32 ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

Originally posted by dkm32:


Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Beethoven Bulletin Board and they won't bother you for weeks.

I'm starting to get a complex again...

[dkm32]

Congrats, OT! You read through the whole list! Well, OK, half way through.

<small>[ 07-14-2003, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: dkm32 ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his
wife the next day, at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time
together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried
to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami
Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his
wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an
elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

"Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation
of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

PS Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here."

[bignaf]

evil, OT! LOL

[priya978]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK
-Innovative
-preliminary
-cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK
-Specificity
-British Constitution
-Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK
-Oh I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
-Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
-Nope, no more booze for me



<small>[ 07-14-2003, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: eugene a. ]</small>

[dkm32]

These questions about Canada were actually sent to an International Tourism Website.

1. Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (Andrew Spink - UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Travaglini Family - Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (Andrew Spink - UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (Andrew Spink - UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (Andrew Spink - UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns.(USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

21. Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?(USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Marye]

These are funny Donna!

[dkm32]

They were given to me by a Canadian friend.

#10 reminds me of when I was in Austria. They have t-shirts with "AUSTRIA" proudly shown, and a kangaroo with the international "no" sign over it.

[bignaf]

ROTFLMREOIWMBUL. donna.

[Serenity]

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun. Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening. Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked. As he is flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time! I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie and fly away before she knows what happened." So he zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like hell".

<small>[ 07-17-2003, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: Serenity ]</small>

[priya978]

LMAO!!! Dirty!!!

[OperaTenor]

Serenity, lol!

[dkm32]

Correctly Spelling 'Potato'

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough

If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor

If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette

If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:

"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

[lliam]

Originally posted by dkm32:
Correctly Spelling 'Potato'

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough

If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbor

If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette

If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:

"GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU"

Hmmm(pause) I er mm (pause) I take it you don't have a day job then Donna?
==================================================
Ignatius, how do you expect to sing if you’re chewing a dandelion root?? “SPIT IT OUT BOY”

<small>[ 07-23-2003, 07:40 AM: Message edited by: lliam ]</small>

[priya978]

And then there was the story about the musician who died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, to take him on his tour of heaven. The musician asked if there was an orchestra in heaven. St. Peter replied "Yes we have the most wonderful orchestra, and there is a seat reserved for you. They will be rehearsing in a few minutes, we can go there right now." When they arrived the musician was overwhelmed, all the greats were there warming up. Pagannini was the concertmaster, Casals was the principal cello, Lizst was preparing to rehearse one of his concertos, and on and on it went. Then there was a hush as the maestro emerged. The musician was surprised that he didn't recognise him. He was expecting one of the greats to be conducting, and instead it was an old man with a grey beard. "Who is our conductor", he asked St. Peter. And Peter replyed rolling his eyes, "Oh, that's God, He thinks he's Von Karajan"

There it is Big.
There are A LOT of funny jokes on the Toronto SO's website. www.tsomusicians.com You'll have to look for the links but its mapped out pretty well.