Jokes

[Shapley]

2. Poisonous glue: Larry David made that famous with George's wedding invitations.

One of my favourite Seinfeld episodes, although I think the "Puffy Shirt" is my overall favourite.

[DavidS]

instanter

?

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/instanter
Often used by Frank Richards in his Billy Bunter stories.

[Shapley]

instanter

?

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/instanter
Often used by Frank Richards in his Billy Bunter stories.

Sorry, not familiar with Billy Bunter or the rest of the Greyfriars School gang (I had to Google him to find out who he was). Apparently, they were akin to "Spanky & the Gang" here in the States.

V/R
Shapley

[Shapley]

Questions about Canada, reportedly posted on their tourism website. (I didn't go to the website to see if that is actually true, since I expected that it would be posted in Canadian, and I don't speak Canadian.)

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see polar bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto--can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here, and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a moose. It is tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to it. You can scare it off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Shapley]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Shapley]

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too
much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the
floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in
the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if
you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's real
name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition
company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be
hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[jamiebk]

Some real groaners there Shap...

[jamiebk]

Police Officer stops a man for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and goes running back to the patrol officer and demands to know why he is being harassed. So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship Mouth and Rowboat A--".

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation, he puts "AH" on the bottom; He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the *AH* and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A-- Hole!"

Three months later they're in court. The violator has such a bad record he is about to lose his license so he had hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make"?

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
*AH*, underlined".

Attorney: "What does the *AH* stand for, officer"?

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, sir."

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A-- Hole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do...."

[1st_oboe]

I know, it's old and beat to death by now, but in tribute to my symphony season starting up last night...

What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?

On or Off.


(I take that to heart, being the bass bone player now.)

[thebassplayer]

yes...yes you do...^_^

I know, it's old and beat to death by now, but in tribute to my symphony season starting up last night...

What's the dynamic range of a bass trombone?

On or Off.


(I take that to heart, being the bass bone player now.)

[Shapley]

Hello, Bassplayer,

Welcome to the B.com BB!

[thebassplayer]

Hello, Bassplayer,

Welcome to the B.com BB!

Thanks, Aaron got me on this website and now I listen 24/7...well when I'm not listening to Bonerama and Contrabassoon duets...But yeah, I grew up in Granite City, Illinois which is like a few hours from Cape Girardeau so that's really cool. Anyway, I'll probably be on here a lot.

[Shapley]

Glad to have you on board! I've been to Granite City, but it's been a few years. We had a customer up there, but they've changed ownership and we don't know the new owners.

I've become a big fan of the bassoon of late, particularly enjoying bassoon works by Vivaldi, J.C. Bach, and Peter Schickele.

[thebassplayer]

Glad to have you on board! I've been to Granite City, but it's been a few years. We had a customer up there, but they've changed ownership and we don't know the new owners.

I've become a big fan of the bassoon of late, particularly enjoying bassoon works by Vivaldi, J.C. Bach, and Peter Schickele.

Yeah I really like baroque music. I like the sound and the composers, particularly Handel. I managed to make it to the last day of IDRS this year in Provo and that was so awesome. I got to see some really good bassoonists and even got to play mine a little bit.

[Shapley]

My hat's off to anyone that can play those contrary things!

[thebassplayer]

When I first started playing, I was told that it was really hard because of all the thumb keys and stuff, but it really is not as hard as it looks. It just takes some getting used to and now I love it.

[1st_oboe]

Ah, Bass Player, you neglected to mention that we saw a live performance of PDQ Bach's Sonata Abassoonata at IDRS!

It was wonderful, Shap...

Mention of PDQ Bach should be sufficient to get this thread back on track, right?

No?

Ok... well then...

How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.

[thebassplayer]

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

[thebassplayer]

I don't remember everything about IDRS...I was running on a major lack of sleep when we got there.

[thebassplayer]

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.