Jokes

[1st_oboe]

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

[thebassplayer]

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

[1st_oboe]

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop...bass solo begins."

[thebassplayer]

Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.

[thebassplayer]

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

[1st_oboe]

Oh come on, I've only fallen out of my chair once while plying English horn...

Anyway...


A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

[thebassplayer]

Q. When is an oboe a good oboe?
A. When it's down a toilet

Q: What is the definition of a half step?
A: Two oboists playing in unison.

Q: What is the definition of a major second?
A: Two baroque oboists playing in unison.

[thebassplayer]

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5: 1 to change it, and 4 to make ludicrous sexual comments.


Q: What do you call a trombonist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: How do you save a trombonist from drowning?
A: Take your foot off their head.


Q: What's the least used sentence in the English language?
A: "Look at that trombone player's Cadillac!"

[1st_oboe]

Q: How many trombone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll spend half an hour trying to figure out what position he needs to be in.

That should be bass bone, given the endless combinations of valves and slide postions, you know.
Moving on now...


What's the definition of Perfect Pitch?
An electric bass into a dumpster from 30 yards!


I left my bass in my truck, unlocked, one day. I realized an hour later that the truck was unlocked and came running back, but it was too late... there were three more basses in the truck.


Whats the difference between the first and last chairs of a bass section??
A semitone and/or half a measure!


Why did the bassist leave her bow on the dash board of her car?
So she could park in the handicapped zone.


Whats the difference between a Pizza and a Jazz bassist?
A Pizza can feed a family of 4.


Q: What's the difference between a bass and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.


Three guys are drinking in a bar. The first guy says, "It's been a good year. I'm an accountant and I cleared 86,000 this year." The second says, "I'm a doctor and I cleared 150,000 this year." The third guy looks dejected and says, "I only made 14,000 this year." The doctor says, "No kidding? ... What kind of strings do you use?"


A somber faced musician walks into the union office and asks the clerk for a ten dollar donation to help bury a local bass player. The union boss overhears this, emerges from his office and says:
"Here's $50. Bury five of 'em!"

[Shapley]

The Presidential election was over and neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

It was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned and he had ten fish. Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having a bad day and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry Reid said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mcain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience does count . . .

[Serenity]

[OperaTenor]

What is a Cat?



1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.



Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

[Shapley]

A dog looks at its' owners and thinks: These people feed me, they groom me, they shelter me, they care for me, they must be gods.

A cat looks at its' owners and thinks: These people feed me, they groomme, they shelter me, they care for me, I must be a god......

[Shapley]

Good, nothing worse than stale herpes when you're making a salad.

[Shapley]

[Shapley]

I take it they want you to leave the animal alone....

(Thanks to http://www.Engrish.com)

[shostakovich]

These seem to be from 3 countries other than the States, so our salads, toilets, and animals are safe for now.
Shos

[Shapley]

Yes, the herpes are in Saudi Arabi, the animal sign is in India, and I don't recall where the toilet sign is, but I think it might be China.

[Shapley]

[Shapley]