Jokes

[ai4i]

How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?

(please forgive if this has already been asked, but we just can't go back over ninety pages of this stuff)

[Trumpetmaster]

How many oboists does it take to change a lightbulb?

(please forgive if this has already been asked, but we just can't go back over ninety pages of this stuff)

Punch line?

[ai4i]

Punch line?

Anyone else care to try? The answer is actually all over the web.
Has to do with how meticulous oboists are with cutting their own reeds to get "just that sound".

[jamiebk]

One, but by the time he gets done shaving the tip, you won't need it. - or-

One, but it takes FOREVER for them to find the exact right one in the box - or -

Only one but he'll go through 30 to 40 bulbs to find the best one.

Then there are these:

1)What is the definition of a minor second?
a)Two oboes playing in unison.

2)What is the definition of a half step?
a)Two oboes playing in unison.

3)What is the definition of a major second?
a)Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

4)How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
a)Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

5)Why did the chicken cross the road?
a)To get away from the oboe recital.

6)What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
a)A bad oboist can kill you.

7)How many oboe players does it take to change a lightbulb?
a)Only one but he'll go through 30 to 40 bulbs to find the best one.

What do you call perfect pitch in an oboe?
a)In the dumpster without hitting the side.

9)Define a lady
a)She owns an oboe yet refues to play it.

10)What's the difference between a family reunion and an oboe solo?
a)You know they are both coming and there is not a darn thing you can do about it!!

11)What's the difference between a high-school oboe section and a 12-cylinder Jaguar engine?
a)With enough time and work, you can eventually get the 12-cylinder Jag in tune.

12)There was a band directer who had a gun with two bullets there was a bad oboe player, trumpet player, and bassoon player. who did he shoot?
a)The oboe player- twice, just to make sure.

13)What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
a)You don't cry when you're cutting up the oboe ....

14)What's the difference between oboe road kill and raccoon road kill?
a)Skid marks in front of the raccoon!

15)How do you get an oboe players eyes to light up?
a)Shine a flashlight in their ears

16)Why should oboe players get no breaks?
a)They will forget how to read notes and it will take too long to reteach them

17)How can you tell the first chair oboe player has been at a computer?
a)There is white out all over the screen

18)How can you tell the second chair oboe player was at the computer after the first chair oboe player?
a)There is writing on the white out

19)Why don't oboists eat bananas?
a)they can't find a zipper OR a pull tab

20)Why do oboists drive BMWs?
a)becuase they can spell it

[Trumpetmaster]

Punch line?

Anyone else care to try? The answer is actually all over the web.
Has to do with how meticulous oboists are with cutting their own reeds to get "just that sound".

Just read the punch line....

UGH........

[ai4i]

Gee whiz, I hope those were all in light spirit.
The oboe most closely resembles the human voice.

How does that one go about the horn player who didn't like his conductor?
Something about comparing an orchestra with a bull.

[Trumpetmaster]

Gee whiz, I hope those were all in light spirit.
The oboe most closely resembles the human voice.

How does that one go about the horn player who didn't like his conductor?
Something about comparing an orchestra with a bull.

ai4i
of course this is in light spirit...

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?
A mutual fund matures and makes money.
========================================================
How do you know a singer is at your door?
She can't find the key

OR
How do you know a singer is at your door?
She doesn't know when to come in
=======================================
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
====================================================
Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.
===========================================================

[Serenity]

The mother rhino is giving birth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jiy5FB2Q ... re=related

[Serenity]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVK8Ftz9 ... re=related

[jamiebk]

MY RESUME...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

[OperaTenor]

This is most decidedly *not* PC:


Stormtrooper's 9/11

[Schmeelkie]

This is most decidedly *not* PC:


Stormtrooper's 9/11

I especially liked the conspiracy theory part...

[ai4i]

I hope Carl Orff had a sense of humor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=891pmKoKGE4

[Schmeelkie]

I hope Carl Orff had a sense of humor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=891pmKoKGE4

So....hard...to...stifle...laughter...as...officemate...is...on...phone....

[jamiebk]

I am very sorry for these...but they had to be posted


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Schmeelkie]

Thanks Jamie - I'm laughing and snorting through my lunch!

[jamiebk]

Well...you knew it had to happen:

Finally, some good Tiger jokes. That was only 3 days.

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know
exactly...put me down for a 5."

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up tips on how to beat
Tiger.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a
ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below
par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning?
They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide
between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of
drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his
new name?: Cheetah

Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

Hello, Mr. Woods. This is the On Star operator. We have detected that an
angry person has put a golf club through your window. We've called Nike.
A new club is on its way.

Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest
golf club we can find??!!

Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.my personal favorite

Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver

[GreatCarouser]

The economy is soooooo bad...
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad; I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the
Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

[GreatCarouser]

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict."

His order comes a while later and it's served on a big shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?"

The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

[GreatCarouser]

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."