Jokes

[GreatCarouser]

Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and a bun in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

[GreatCarouser]

The Paint Job

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."

[GreatCarouser]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

[BigJon]

A homeless man was setting up a small tent under a bridge with some fellow homeless people. He turns to his friend and says, "Ya know, I'm really glad President Obama decide to give money so they could rehabilitate the bridge"

[jamiebk]

Here's one for Slema and Haggis:

A bagpiper's story

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being
a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating
lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to
the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

[jamiebk]

A Republican's Prayer:

Heavenly Father,
So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer,
Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my
favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian,
Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my
favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon. Just so you know, my
favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi
and Harry Reid.

[Trumpetmaster]

A Republican's Prayer:

Heavenly Father,
So far this year, you have taken away my favorite dancer,
Michael Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my
favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite comedian,
Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my
favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon. Just so you know, my
favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi
and Harry Reid.

Oh my...

[Haggis@wk]

Here's one for Slema and Haggis:

A bagpiper's story

Oh man, you shouda warned me, I squirted Fresca all over my new monitor!!!!!!

[Trumpetmaster]

Here's one for Slema and Haggis:

A bagpiper's story

Oh man, you shouda warned me, I squirted Fresca all over my new monitor!!!!!!

Been there... Done That!!

[Shapley]

I enjoyed that one. I think I've retold it a dozen times already.

[ai4i]

A new Haitian-Chilean drink has been introduced.
Have a couple of them and you'll swear the earth is moving.

[Shapley]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week."

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[jamiebk]

Just for you Shap:

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? (sigh....)

We had Reagan and we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...
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Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash.

[Shapley]

Just for you Shap:

Thanks! I'll have to send that some friends!

[Trumpetmaster]

Could not find the Toyota recall thread (don''t have time to do a "deep dive")

Thought you all would like the following notice! ENJOY!!!!

YAMAHA RECALL

Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking,
causing pianists to play faster than they normally would, resulting in a dangerous number of accidentals.
The sticky pedal also makes it harder for pianists to come to a full stop at the end of a piece making it extremely risky for audiences.
Although there have been a tremendous number of accidentals, fortunately it has so far caused no deafs.
Analysts are wondering if it will put a damper on their bass [base] market and if they will be able to sustain sales.
Congress is also considering calling in the President of Yamaha for questioning as to when the company first learned about the treble.

[Trumpetmaster]

Could not find the Toyota recall thread (don''t have time to do a "deep dive")

Thought you all would like the following notice! ENJOY!!!!

YAMAHA RECALL

Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking,
causing pianists to play faster than they normally would, resulting in a dangerous number of accidentals.
The sticky pedal also makes it harder for pianists to come to a full stop at the end of a piece making it extremely risky for audiences.
Although there have been a tremendous number of accidentals, fortunately it has so far caused no deafs.
Analysts are wondering if it will put a damper on their bass [base] market and if they will be able to sustain sales.
Congress is also considering calling in the President of Yamaha for questioning as to when the company first learned about the treble.

[dai bread]

Now that's #.

[shostakovich]

And a big bonus for a C#EO.
(Too embarrassed to sign)

[jamiebk]

Some late night Obama humor especially for Shap, Haggis and Piq:

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and I think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--- Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--- David Letterman

[Shapley]