Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Wed Mar 31, 2010 11:32 am

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:18 am

My wife sent this to me... You think there is a subliminal message here? :-)

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day: If men would just listen
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:34 am

...and the woman ran off into an open ditch. She misunderstood his warning... ;)
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Wed Jun 09, 2010 10:40 am

Shapley wrote:...and the woman ran off into an open ditch. She misunderstood his warning... ;)


touche.... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby BigJon » Thu Jun 10, 2010 7:50 pm

.. and the woman ran over a female dog around the next bend.
Even a blind nut finds a squirrel once in a while. – Me! Feb 9, 2001
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Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:00 pm

This just in.....scientists have just discovered a solution to the gushing oil that married men have known for years... ...just put a wedding ring around the pipe and it won't put out any more. :rofl: :lol:
Jamie

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Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Tue Jun 22, 2010 11:19 am

jamiebk wrote:This just in.....scientists have just discovered a solution to the gushing oil that married men have known for years... ...just put a wedding ring around the pipe and it won't put out any more. :rofl: :lol:



oh my........ :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ai4i » Sat Jul 17, 2010 5:29 am

Upon our parents deaths we are all orphanned
Well, not that Camina Burana guy!
"Also Sprach Ai4i"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Fri Jul 30, 2010 6:19 am

What do you get when you mate a Bulldog and a Shitzu?


............ BS.... Yup... :rofl:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Haggis@wk » Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:40 pm

Shapley wrote: He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'


At their 50th Anniversary party my father said that if he'd killed my mother when he first wanted to he'd be a free man by now :rofl:
The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis De Tocqueville 1835
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Re: Jokes

Postby ai4i » Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:47 pm

We've all heard about the two passing each other on a thin mountain road and the woman yells PIG and the man yells BITCH and moments later the man crashes into a large pig, it may even be somewhere in these last ninety four pages of jokes.
It took me several years to conclude that a second missunderstanding had also occured which lead to what happened a few minutes later.
Thw woman drove her car right into a DITCH.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:48 pm

For some reason, I can't get the 'uread' posts to go out on this thread. I'm posting this to see if it will clear it.
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:49 pm

Yep, it worked. Sorry the post wasn't funny.
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:08 am

Engineers' Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter =

Eskimo Pi

2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby piqaboo » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:21 pm

Fab! Especially "5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram"
Altoid - curiously strong.
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Re: Jokes

Postby ai4i » Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:21 am

Once upon a time, deep in the eighteenth century, their lived a great wood cutter named Heintz Holtzman. This man was not only a wood cutter, but also a wood carver and one of the things he specialized in were the most beautiful and unique violin scrolls, that curved part where the strings get adjusted. Things were going along smoothly for Holtzman until a virtuoso found that his middle C notes sounded dull, fuzzy, lifeless. Other virtuosi soon discovered the same thing and it was found that the issue was with the Holtzman scrolls and it could not be corrected. And so, the value of the scrolls plummeted and Holtzman faded into into obscurity and into alcohol. He is remembered to this day for being responsible for the dead C scrolls.
We credit (or blame) Dr Peter Schickele for this one.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Haggis@wk » Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:50 pm

A man and his wife were watching TV and he kept switching between the fishing and porn channels. His exasperated wife said “Leave it on the porn channel, you already know how to fish" :rofl:
The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public’s money.” Alexis De Tocqueville 1835
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