Jokes

[owlet]

Beethoven walks into a pet store and asks the cashier, "Hey, will you buy my chicken?" and the cashier says "Waitaminute, did you say chicken? Why would you want to sell a chicken?" "Because it keeps saying Bach Bach Bach!!!" <P>Why did the turkey cross the road?<BR>Because it was the chicken's day off!<P> :p <BR>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[bigjoel]

An army general walks into the base hospital and goes over to the first patient...<P>GENERAL: Soldier!<BR>Soldier1: YES SIR!!<BR>GENERAL: What's your ailment?<BR>Soldier1: Ringworm sir!<BR>GENERAL: What did the doctor prescribe?<BR>Soldier1: 5 minutes every morning with a wire brush.<BR>GENERAL: What's your ambition soldier?<BR>Soldier1: Get back to the front lines as soon as possible!<BR>GENERAL: Good soldier!<P>The general walks to the next patient.<P>GENERAL: Soldier!<BR>Soldier2: YES SIR!!<BR>GENERAL: What's your ailment?<BR>Soldier2: Hemroids sir!<BR>GENERAL: What did the doctor prescribe?<BR>Soldier2: 5 minutes every morning with a wire brush.<BR>GENERAL: What's your ambition soldier?<BR>Soldier2: Get back to the front lines as soon as possible!<BR>GENERAL: Good soldier!<P>The general walks to the next patient.<P>GENERAL: Soldier!<BR>Soldier3: YES SIR!!<BR>GENERAL: What's your ailment?<BR>Soldier3: Swollen gums sir!<BR>GENERAL: What did the doctor prescribe?<BR>Soldier3: 5 minutes every morning with a wire brush.<BR>GENERAL: What's your ambition soldier?<BR>Soldier3: Get to the wire brush before the other two sir!!!

[bignaf]

lol.

[OperaTenor]

Hey Dai Bread,<P>What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?<P>

[Jeff Dutton]

Oh! Oh! OH! IknowIknowIknow...

[dai bread 1]

A stick joke!!!!

[OperaTenor]

Sorry, must be the meds, or too mmuch time on my hands, but I just could't resist.

[BenODen]

*laugh* funny stuff, lots of new music jokes. Ok here's one!

A man walks into a bar and says:
"Ow that Hurt, watch the four!"

(Sorry, best I could come up with on the spur of the moment to bump the thread up with a obscurely musical joke!)

-Benito

<small>[ 06-01-2003, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: Benito Of Denver ]</small>

[bignaf]

a joke by my 12 year old brother (you must say it out loud):
if two wrongs don't make a right, what do 2 rights make?
an airplane.
not bad for a 12 year old.

[Serenity]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it; it was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found". "What have you got there, dear"? With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.."

[lliam]

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List.
======================================

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[lliam]

911
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the eleven.

A Blonde Party
What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties? Women!

A Blonde with Earrings
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date? So they have some place to put their feet.

A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Donkey and Onion
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? An ass that brings tears to your eyes!


Top 10 Reasons To Live In Newfoundland
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation.
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea.
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod.
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
7. The work day is about two hours long.
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass.
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.


<small>[ 06-08-2003, 10:29 AM: Message edited by: lliam ]</small>

[Serenity]

Iliam, LMFREO!

[lliam]

Originally posted by Serenity:
Iliam, LMFREO!

=====================================
Blonde Nurse

Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.
------------------------------------

A Brief History Of Medicine
=============================

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
-----------------------

A Brief Visit to the Doctor.
-----------------------------
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
---------------------------

A Child's Prayer.
=====================

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
-------------------------------
Ohhhh that's cracked me up AAAHhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa

Lliam.

[lliam]

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it

I used to have a handle on life - but mine broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I am not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

Ever stop to think? and forget to start again?

It IS as bad as you think, they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

They call it PMS because Mad Cow disease was already taken.

The trouble with life is...there's no background music.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson

Computer programmers don't byte, they just nibble a bit.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

My wild oats have turned to Shredded Wheat....

The meek shall inherit the earth ... after we're through with it...

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Some people are alive, only because it's illegal to kill them.

Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.

Consciousness - that annoying time between naps...

...and finally...

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

[lliam]

Whacky definitions.
====================

Arachnoleptic fit. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug. Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone . The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration . The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor . The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon . The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect . The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant . An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

Faunacated . How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering . which has made a meal of many species.

Grantartica . The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe . The bloody state of the world.

Kinstirpation . A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy . An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it

[lliam]

Wooooo Wooooo Wooooo! ==================================

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth
of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" with a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..........

"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
:

[lliam]

Skilled and unskilled labour.
=========================================

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. 'Diesel fitter,' he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back in to the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

'What skill?' yelled Ole. 'I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven pulls them down on his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter.'

[bignaf]

that's some quality stuff Iliam!!!!! LMREO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lliam]

Costume dilemma.
=============================

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his bald head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

A few days later, he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.