"And now for something completely different"

[piqaboo]

...order another coffee. All this thought of global winter had made him cold, and slithering into a cup of the tepid 'american style' coffee served in the bistro was just the way to warm a snake up.

Unfortunately for the asp, another customer failed to differentiate between a cup handle and an asp's head. He lifted the cup of tepid coffee by grapsing the asp's head, and most of the cup in his huge hands. Before the asp could shout, hiss, bite or otherwise react, this oblivious person drank down the coffee and half the asp!
Starting in surprise, the fellow dropped the cup and stood there stunned while the asp waved from his open mouth and struggled to pull its tail from the guy's mouth. It made the careless fellow look like a hero or god from asian theology. A tourist snapped a couple of shots with a polaroid camera, and gave one to the guy, just as the asp snapped his tail free, fell to the floor and slithtered for safety. The man was delighted to see himself looking so god-like. He often felt that he could walk on water, and convert water into whine. In fact, Izzy was convinced (when stoned, which was all the time) that he was a god, and the photograph only served as proof.

Meanwhile the snap-happy tourist and the asp were separately dodging Bottom who.......

[bacchus]

Relieve him of said extra, which sent Bottom over the top in a way not unlike a preacher orating on that best selling topic - SIN. The asp, being related to that early Utopian reptile who had dealings with one, Eve, understood SIN to be.......

[piqaboo]

..Single Inserted Nucleotide. The frequent cause of mutations both harmful and beneficial.
Somehow, SIN, Bottom (english for grit) and the tourist and asp were all mixed up in a ....

[bacchus]

whirlwind of frenzied shopping at the local Radio Shack . The tourist needed an electronic soapbox from which to procalaim his godhood and the asp just wanted to get warm 'cause it was still damned cold outside. Bottom, on the other hand.........

[Shapley]

...walked down to the local transsubstantiation, in order to catch the noon tran to Brooklyn. Unfortunately, all the trans were running an hour late, so the noon tran wouldn't run until 2:00 They were an hour later than their usual hour late, that is.

Thus with lots of time on his hands, Bottom decided it was a good time to visit the old gypsy woman, who had recently...

<small>[ 05-04-2005, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>

[Haggis@wk]

...had a nookclearotide inserted and was still recovering from the shock that she now glowed in the dark. Actually she glowed in the day as well.

Trying to capitalize on the phnemn...phonomne...feneon...new ability to improve her life she began putting adverts in the local "personal" columns

"Single Glowing Female with crystal ball enjoys walks in the dark, Norwegian (or is that Finnish?) tenors, seeks companionship with sensitive.....

[bacchus]

outdoor camper wanting his own night light. Several days later she would be surprised to receive a response and a photo from a suspiciously clear-skinned teenager in a cheap blue suit and a plastic name tag."Dear single glowing female with the inserted nooky," he started........

[Shapley]

...but then he stopped. There was no more to the letter. She looked at the back of the page, which was blank except for some vaguely familiar crayon markings. She read the page again, looked at the markings again, then read the page again. Still no change. She looked at the photo, on the back of which were crayon markings similar to the ones on the back of the letter.

Now she was baffled, or was it Barfled? Whichever, she couldn't figure it out. She picked up the envelope, which seemed to be made from an old paper sack, turned it upside down, and shook it. Much to her surprise, out fell a small....

[Shapley]

...biege, or rather beigey kind of bluish pink, with rather an orangey tint on the...

[piqaboo]

surface, well, sort of under the surface actually, but not really under, more sort of like the underside of the surface. The
small beige quickly scurried for cover. They are the traditional fodder for big beiges, and the small beige was not at all sure that it could expect any better from a nooky-tided glowing gypsy, of either gender.

Just at that moment, Bottom arrived outside the gypsie's door and.....

[Shapley]

...turned to glance at the figure emerging from the door to the tavern across the street. It had been many years since Bottom had been inside the Yabi Bar, primarily because of his dislike for most of the patrons. Pompous asses, he had called them, and for good reason. You can imagine, therefore, his surprise when he saw, walking, or rather staggering, from the place none other than...

<small>[ 05-13-2005, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>

[piqaboo]

Izzie the stoner and his girlfriend with the self-proclaimed one syllable name (Isabel), affectionately known as 'Dizzy Izzy'. They were....

<small>[ 05-13-2005, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: piqaboo ]</small>

[bacchus]

attempting, rather unsuccessfully, to pass as pompous asses, but were not succeeding. It was obvious to anyone with a sense of style that what was missing was the influence of the well-digger and his asp,who, as everyone who is anyone knows......

[Shapley]

... Is certainly the most pompous of asps. As it was, or as it is, or as I think it was, Dizzy Izzy and Izzy were dizzy as they left the Yabi Bar. Stumbling on the name of a little-known composer of flute music (even though he was quite famous for his other endeavors), Izzy fell flat on his face. During the rather comical efforts to regain his composure, he inadvertently...

[bacchus]

became the inspiration for thousands of stand-up comedians in their somewhat pitiful, and yes troubling attempts to unseat Letterman. Dusting himself off, Izzy and his lifeless girlfriend raced to his 57 Studebaker which was conveniently parked........

[OperaTenor]

............where he'd left it...........not!
It was now in an impound lot!

By the NYPD city traffic authority it was towed,
Because of the mountain of parking tickets for which he owed,

This, according to the notice he was sent,
So off to the impound lot he went.

As he drew near he smelled a stench,
So strong it became it made his guts wrench,

Once in the lot he saw the source of the smell,
Which made him exclaim, "What the Hell?"

There, next to his Studebaker, behind a barrier,
Was the CVN-65/NCC-1701 morphodite aircraft carrier!

Trailing away from it was a glob of guck,
That once was a tether made from pig's plucks.

By now so much time had passed,
That the tether had rotted, reeked, and gassed,

Thus reaffirming the law,
"Don't make a tether from plucks that are raw."

Izzy decided enough time dwelling on that had been spent,
So he went off in search of the lot attendant.

When he got to the lot office he found,
That the attendant had been gagged and bound!

Why would anyone do such a thing? He wondered,
........

[Shapley]

...then realized, upon a robbery he had blundered.

The perpetrators, evil and large,
were after Izzy's Studebaker barge.

Though not really after the car, full of dents,
but rather seeking the vehicular contents.

For there, resting in the seat in the back,
was something that interested these persons in black.

Long had they sought, over hill and dale,
to find Izzy and Dizzy's...

<small>[ 05-19-2005, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

.............Crayola pail!

For they had been led to believe this cache,
Was what was also known as Izzy's stash.

In the misdoing of this misdeed,
They were easy to mislead.

Mental midgets, brains they lack,
After all, they're just Men in Black.

Who was this mystery friend,
Who led these thugs to this dead end?

But, right now he had a more urgent matter,
..........

<small>[ 05-19-2005, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: OperaTenor ]</small>

[bacchus]

For suddenly he felt a twinge from his bladder,
And being the true gentleman that he was.
Refrained from using the sidewalk 'cause
He knew that the gendarmes would be sooner than latter.
So up to the treetops he sprang with a yell......

[Shapley]

...then face down on the hard pavement he fell.

Out like a light, or a match, or a matchlight. In any case he was out cold, which would mean he was out like a light that had been out for a while, so there was no residual heat...and not really all that much like a match...

Whatever. As he lay there, face down on the pavement, Bottom was getting dizzy from the rhymes, or rather the rinds, having consumed two watermelons complete. He decided it was time to go back to the transubstantion and see if the trans were running yet.

Lo! And Behold! The trans were indeed running. He purchased a ticket, only to be told that while, yes, the trans were running, that particular tran was held up due to construcion on the Mr. Y Bridge, which was being replaced even as we spoke, or rather even as I typed. Until the new bridge was complete, however, the tran could not cross Y lake. Bottom, of course, had never heard of Mr. Y, let alone of his bridge, so he had no interest in them. He only knew that he wanted to get to Brooklyn, even though he could not now remember why it had been important to him to get there.

In fact, he could not now remember why he wanted to get anywhere. Nor could he remember how he had gotten to where he was, wherever he was. Nor, in fact, could he remember who he was, or why he was wearing this technicolour dreamcoat. Most curious of all, he wondered why he was carrying this...