Originally posted by jmfryar:
Well now, if you want to dwell on the negative, I can see your point...but aren't there a few positives along the way?
HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS
1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC
(Maniac/spirit/demon/creature) in the house.
3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see
If he/she/it's really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces
Small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it
Again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then
Keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some
More. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything
Except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there.
5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin
Spewing body fluids, it's time to move out.
6. Never read a book that summons demons aloud, even as a joke.
7. Don't look under the bed.
8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
9. If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children,
Save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away
From them as possible.
11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you,
Be prudent and leave the area.
12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek
From or leave your hiding place, if you do you will be seen and killed.
13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms.
15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
They do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other
Than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
Grief in the long run, and NOTE: It will probably take several rounds
Of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared.
16. When you have the benefit of numbers, "NEVER, EVER," pair off or
Go it alone. The more people the MSDC is distracted by, the better
"Your" chance of escape.
17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to
Leave the area as soon and as quickly as possible.
19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce
Before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep
Going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car under any
Circumstances to see if he/she/it's really dead.
21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb,
Crypt, mausoleum, etc.
24. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window,
Especially those that appear that they would break easily.
25. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot
Identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
26. If you're searching for something, which caused a noise and find
Out that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE YOU WILL
27. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled
Under, DON'T GO AFTER THEM, AND DON'T GO OVER TO THE SHORE AND LOOK IN!
If you are in a boat, immediately head for shore.
28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately.
29. Do not take anything from the dead.
30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass
Murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find
Yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
Reason. Take the hint and stay away.
34. Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board
Starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave immediately.
35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area
36. Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person,
Especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus.
37. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
Know what you are doing.
38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it.
39 If your space ship gets an alien distress signal from what appears
To be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
40. Never put your back to or lean on a door.
41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
42. Never speak to clowns in sewers.
43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that
They are supernatural beings.
44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down
At least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Do not turn
To look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping
Immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't
See the MSDC chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you
Came because the MSDC is now in front of you.
45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as
Hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural
Hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or
Other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages,
Etc., get as far away from them as possible.
46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on
Around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for
On the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could
Ever hope to be.
47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
Listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog
(God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the
Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those that keep
'Redrum' in stock.
50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as
chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines,
lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band
saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads,
High-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food
processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols,
Tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, or Allodium q-36
Explosive space modulators.
51. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of
Robert Ruark - African big game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN," or
Preferably a chain gun.
52. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of
Sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn
And run immediately or you will be killed.
53. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't
Touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be
Incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon),
Otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
54. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave
The house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite
Direction. If there is no exit, make one.
Ignatius, how do you expect to sing if you’re chewing a dandelion root?? “SPIT IT OUT BOY”
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best