GWB humor

[Schmeelkie]

Got this from my brother..not Bush-bashing, just plain fun.

How the next White House discussion will go... a la Abbot and Costello

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now
get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.

[Trumpetmaster]

ROFLMAO - That is GREAT!!!

[DavidS]

Schmeelkie - something like a bit out of a John Cleese film:

John and a young lady finding their way in a car to Norwich (?) England - the lady driving:
Lady: Which way do I turn at the next junction?
JC: Left.
Lady: Left?
JC: Right.
At the next junction she turns right on to a dirt track in a field.
Lady: Are you sure I should have turned right there?
JC: Left.
Lady: But when I asked you "do I turn left?" you said "right".
JC: Right.
Lady: But which way should I have gone?
JC: Left.
Lady: Left?
JC: Right.
etc. etc.

And bear in mind that in the UK left is right and right is wrong...

[Schmeelkie]

Of course, when my husband and I honeymooned in Ireland driving was a challenge. He would say go right and I would go left (the easy turn) - got all confused driving on the wrong side of the road and everything. I tried to think of everything being backwards, but sometimes it confused me more... So now he sometimes refers to going right as taking an 'Ireland left', and vice versa.

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

Originally posted by Schmeelkie:
...got all confused driving on the wrong side of the road and everything. I tried to think of everything being backwards, but sometimes it confused me more...

I'm an ambidexter. I have no sympathy for you. You've described my life.

Once the guys in the De-Ice shop hung one of those backward bar clocks on the wall. I never noticed the difference, but we had to recall all my engine preheat units and fix the safety wire. Safety wire on the end cap bolts goes clockwise...

[OperaTenor]

Selma, that's funny! Safety wired to loosen......

I do most things left-handed, but some right-handed(I swing a bat/golf club/hockey stick right-handed). Don't know if that makes me ambidextrous.

However, I had a much easier time getting used to driving on the left and acclimating to all of the right-hand controls on our rental car in England. So much so that Piq and her mom both said I was driving like an Englishman by the end of the week.

I took that as a compliment, of course......

[barfle]

We went on a vacation that included two weeks driving in Great Britain. While I was driving, opinions varied as to who thought I was on the wrong side of the road.

Sometimes I thought I was, sometimes they thought I was.

And I don't find a lot funny about Bush.

<small>[ 09-13-2005, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: barfle ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

Yes, tragic and pathetic are more like it.

[BigJon@Work]

Safety wire will work either direction. It is more for the ease of our psyches that we insist on seeing the wire wrapped in the tightening direction.

[piqaboo]

Safety probably had nothing to do with the recall of the parts. They werent built according to spec, and that's why they were recalled, I expect.

Selma, that's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard! Thanks for sharing.

<small>[ 09-13-2005, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: piqaboo ]</small>

[Serenity]

Check the picture out:

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i9256

[BigJon@Work]

Have you ever read this humor site? http://www.borowitzreport.com/ I get the articles in email every day and he has been on fire recently. Some favorites:
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=1212&srch=
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=1211&srch=
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=1209&srch=
http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=1204&srch=

Take some time to browse the archives. The articles are short and some are real gems.

[OperaTenor]

Originally posted by BigJon@Work:
Safety wire will work either direction. It is more for the ease of our psyches that we insist on seeing the wire wrapped in the tightening direction.

Fasteners aren't always safety wired to a fixed anchor. If two adjacent fasteners are safety wired to each other in the wrong direction, a fastener can come unscrewed as much as a half turn. If that occurs in a high pressure system, that can be enough for a catastrophic failure.

On das boot, our main seawater end bells, which were something like 36" in diameter, had studs and nuts joining the flanges which were spaced ~1" apart, so there were scores of these fasteners. They were supposed to be torqued to 750 ft-lbs, and were lockwired together. When we were in overhaul, one of the guys in my division discovered they had been inadvertently lockwired after making only one circular pattern pass with a torque wrench, so the first nuts torqued were now only finger-tight. While they were lockwired in the proper direction, the amount they were loose was sufficient to split the union under test depth pressure. It takes less than 1/2 turn to go from finger tight to full torque, even at 750 ft-lbs.

I think that's a bit more substantial than psychologically reassuring.

[BigJon@Work]

You are on a completely different scale than Selma and I. On the little assemblies we work on, the tension in the wire will keep the screw from turning any substantial amount. Plus I'm only keeping oil from splashing out of a case. You can't push a rope, but you can push a twisted pair of safety wires.

I'm a little surprised you used safety wire on units that big. We always double nutted stuff that big or used bolt stretch to torque to yield. That must have been a tedious job to safety wire that many fasteners.

<small>[ 09-14-2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: BigJon@Work ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

It was, and the shipyard worker who blew off doing it right the first time (cost the taxpayers an extra six months of drydock time while we had to recertify the 2,000 plus SubSafe Joints in the entire boat) must've thought so, too.

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

<ahem> The Navy likes safety wire. Simple, cheap, effective. The safety wire was actually important - there's a lot of vibration near a jet turbine, as well as extreme temperature changes. The preheat units are part of the fuel system, and pilots really, really don't like fuel spilling around the engine inside the nacelles.

OT, those boot parts shouldn't have been torqued in a circle pattern. We use a 3-pass system: fingertight + 1 flat everywhere, rotating star pattern torque, circle pattern torque-check. If anything was loose on the third pass, you loosen it all and start over.

[OperaTenor]

Hi Selma,

That was part of my point about the yardbird being lazy. The prescribed torque pattern was a rather complex cross torque, and was supposed to be repeated twice after the initial torqueing. There was a diagram in the written procedure to illustrate it. The yardbird completely ignored it, and if one of my fellow division members hadn't accidentally bumped into one of the fingertight nuts(while field-daying the engineroom bilge, no less), we would've dived with them that loose. Once they're lockwired, there is allegedly no reason to go back and check them, but then, you know that. It could have very easily resulted in one of those situations where:

the number of dives > the number of surfaces.

I really never relished the prospect of being fish food.



<small>[ 09-14-2005, 07:34 PM: Message edited by: OperaTenor ]</small>

[BigJon@Work]

We used superbolts too. http://www.superbolt.com Saved a bunch of gnawed fingernails on the engineer's part.

[barfle]

On old VWs, the rear brake drums are held to the axle shaft with a castellated nut that is held in place with a cotter pin.

The torgue specifications for that nut is something like 200 ft-lbs, which, in dirt race speak means "tighten it 'til your voice changes, then take another quarter-turn."

[OperaTenor]

I always thought that was "German Tight", aka "Guten Tight".