Advice Needed!

[mmichaelson]

So I noticed that there wasn't a topic for advise in general on here. . . and decided to post one.

I've got an interesting situation:
I've been bothered by the fact that one of my best friends (14 years' worth of friendship) recently married a man 8 years our senior (which is not a huge gap). The problem is (for me) that he was her coach while she was in college and actively pursued a relationship with her while she was his responsibility.
Not only that. . .but our entire lives we've always wanted children, but this guy doesn't. So much to the point to where if she were to get pregnant, he would want her to have an abortion (which we were and still are staunchly against). So she has decided that he's right, and that she would enjoy playing with my kids and her sister's kids more than having children on her own.
She's always been needy and has always changed to suit the particular person that she was dating at the time, but this seems a little overboard for me.
I know it's not my life, but I worry for her.
In so many ways, this guy has been good for her - a stabilizing influence, but I still worry about her.
What do you think? Am I over-reacting, or is there really cause for concern?

[OperaTenor]

IMO, whether it's just her, or both of them, she/they need to run, not walk to counseling.

But, it doesn't matter what you or I think, if they don't see a need, they won't go.

My advice: Be her friend, even when she's denying herself, and try to help her see she's worth trying to get what she wants for herself in life without being critical or judgemental .

<small>[ 06-30-2004, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: OperaTenor ]</small>

[mmichaelson]

Yeah.
They had to go to Catholic marriage counseling before they got married. . .and she was scornful of the Catholic policy, she kept saying that they were contradicting themselves. . .but from what she was telling me that they taught her, they weren't really. I think she was looking for anything to deny the fact that the church told her it was wrong to not conceive if you're married.
I do think they should go to counseling (him hitting on her while he was in a position of authority just gives me the willies, what if he decides to trade her in some day for one of his younger players???)
I really guess it will come to a head when her sister (her identical twin sister) and I start having children. The three of us have always been more like triplets, so we'll see, I guess.
She does seem very happy, which makes me happy, but I can't help but worry about her.

[barfle]

I knew a woman (we've both moved and lost touch with each other, I'm afraid) who married one of her teachers when she was very young, well under 20. He continued to chase after the new stuff even after they were married.

I don't know if your friend is hooked up with the same breed of dog my friend did, but that marraige did not last very long at all.

I'm the wrong person to give much advice on mate finding. I consider myself quite lucky that she found me. But I see many problems a-brewin'.

As a recovering Catholic, I can say that the idea of a childless marraige goes against any Catholic teaching that mentions marraige. If I read Saxy's post correctly, he's the Catholic and he's the one who doesn't want children, but isn't willing to break away from the Catholicism. Sounds like a hypocrite to me.

I don't know if there's anything you can do at this point except continue to be her friend. Maybe it'll work out, but I have serious doubts.

[mmichaelson]

Well, she is Catholic and he was born Catholic, but is not practicing.
I have to hope that they will be happy, but I worry that she's changed her attitude on children to be with him, and that when we (her twin and I) start having children, she'll want them too.

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

This is a two-part issue. One is the marriage, the other is childbearing. Although I grant you that your friend's husband has a couple of less than ethical threads in his character.

First; you can't interfere in somebody else's marriage without completely screwing up your friendship. Whether you're right or wrong, it still scuttles your relationship with your friend. If she has a problem, and asks you what you think, that might be a time to gently suggest that you think counseling would be a good idea. Otherwise just sympathize and continue being a friend.

(Catholic premarriage counseling is not marriage counseling. It's a class explaining their view of how marriage is supposed to be, and they require that people understand what a Catholic marriage should be before the priest will perform one. Actual marriage counseling, or individual relationship counseling if it's just one person, is a whole other thing.)

Second; the whole children thing. For most of us, with usual incomes, there's a choice. Money, time, and freedom OR children. Sounds like your friend's husband has already chosen.

Another thought. I think the early twenties is probably too early to prescript and preschedule your life. Things mostly work out otherwise, anyway - enjoy the ride. Too much planning cramps your style.

[shostakovich]

Hi Saxy. I think your friend is in a very bad spot, but it will take time for her to see it. This guy is unethical for putting moves on your friend while her coach. He plays to WIN, and he has WON your friend (in his mind). He has no qualms about forbidding a child. (Since she gave in, it may not be as important as she imagined.) There's no question that he will require her to bend to his will often. She will tire of him, but stay out of fear and dependency, and may not have the strength for a Cheneyesque "F-Off!". She will need support, but must make the break on her own. That's my take based on very little information. I hope it's worth something.
Dr. Shos

[shostakovich]

OR ----- she will stay and suffer. SHE has to make that choice. You're a good friend to worry.

[mmichaelson]

Well, I would hope after fourteen years, I would still be a good friend.
She has ALWAYS sculpted herself to match the person she's with, ever since we were teenagers, and this guy is no exception.
She has made her choice to follow him, and I must accept that. . .but I will be ready for anything that is to come. . .you can count on that!

[piqaboo]

I'm mostly in agreement with Selma on this one - she put my thoughts very well, and I didnt even send her a psychic crayon drawing to outline them!

Some points tho:

College coach, not high school coach - tacky but not completely out of line.
Give the lady a little credit - she was a consenting adult when he began his pursuit,
and a graduate when he got his shostakovichian "win".

The child thing - Thats a timebomb. I think Saxy's right here - the test will be when the rest of the triumvirate starts having anklebiters.

[mmichaelson]

Well, technically he "won" while she was still his pupil. . .
but you are right. . .she did make the choice.

I guess the children thing bothers me the most. . .

So we'll just see how it plays out, right?

BTW, Congrats on 1st chair Piq!