"And now for something completely different"

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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Fri Jan 13, 2006 12:24 pm

I think, once that new Congo Mall is finally open, perhaps she'll be more receptive to the idea. It might not hurt Tarzan to look over their fine selection of quality loinclouts, while he's at it. I'm afraid leopard-skin is a bit behind the times. Perhaps something in a hyena. Feline fur is definitely out this year.

<small>[ 01-13-2006, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>
Last edited by Shapley on Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Tarzan » Fri Jan 13, 2006 6:50 pm

(Tarzan find animal skin loincloths passe'. Tarzan only wear cotton or wool for daily loincloth, ivory white silk for formal evening attire. Tarzan not barbarian, just wild man.

Jane simply play hard-to-get or is fickle.)
AAAAH -OH-AH-OOOOH-AH-OH-AH-OH!
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:03 pm

...and out stepped Sumo Joe, singing the Revenge Aria while adjusting his loinclout. Glancing about through the open elevator door, he noticed Tarzan wearing a very fashionable loinclout. Suddenly realizing that his own clout was decidedly plain, not to mention that it was too early in the year to begin wearing white, Sumo Joe pressed the 'close door' button, hoping no one had noticed his fashion fox paws, however you spell that damnable French word for 'goof'.

Too late, of course. Everyone had noticed his attire the moment the door had opened. Jane, ever the fashion expert, gestured toward the now-closed elevator door, and said...
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Postby Shapley » Tue Feb 27, 2007 4:54 pm

..."Oop, Oop"... (She was, after all, speaking to Tarzan)...
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Postby Shapley » Tue Feb 27, 2007 9:31 pm

"you know, Tarzan," interrupted Lula, "I've never noticed before how much you look like Ort!"

"And him like me." replied Tarzan, sheepishly. "Like looking in still water pool."

"Curious." Said Lula.

Ort, obviously uncomfortable with this subject line, tried to change the subject. "I think I saw Bottom and Tut over there, by that alley."

Everyone turned to look. Everyone except Jane, that is, who was looking at Ort and then at Tarzan and then back at Ort. The resemblance was amazing. Ort's profile, like a marble bust badly in need of bra, and Tarzan's looking just the same, only different in a similar sort of way...
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Postby Shapley » Sat Mar 03, 2007 11:10 pm

...meanwhile, back in the elevator, Sumo Jo had reached the end of his tether, or rather the end of the line. As the elevator came to a screeching halt he quickly exited onto the platform. Glancing quicly about, he located the nearest exit and made his way directly to it.

Unfortunately, that particular exit was blocked by a large...
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Postby barfle » Sun Mar 04, 2007 9:15 pm

flute, taking up a lot of area and bent on revenge. Revenge for making Moah'z art sound worse than Queen after a late night.

Sumo Jo took a deep breath, waited for his cue, and...
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Postby Shapley » Sun Mar 04, 2007 10:29 pm

..broke. The glossy finish of the cue ball reflecting the smoky glow of the lamp as it struck a glancing blow at the arrangement of balls at the opposite end of the table. Like rabbits whose meeting had been disturbed by some heavy-booted hunter the balls scattered willy-nilly, scampering across the table. Some traveled only a short distance before stopping to see if they had found safety in their new locale. Others raced towards the holes, as if to seek shelter below the green felt.

The bright yellow number one ball was one such hole-seeker. It made a straight run for the the gaping hole in the corner, solace and shelter were within its' grasp when suddenly, seeming out of nowhere, the white cue ball moved in and blocked the path. Too late to turn, number one struck the cue ball and was knocked from his path, spinning dizzily as he ran now in a new direction. Unable to see the path before him, reeling from the blow and spinning madly, he felt an eerie sense of mingled horror and joy as he neared the side pocket. His lateral motion stopped as he continued spinning, teetering on the edge.

Could he make it to the shelter? He leaned, but he was still spinning madly. Was he leaning the right direction or not? He could only guess. At last, as the spinning slowed, he suddenly...
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Postby barfle » Tue Mar 06, 2007 8:42 pm

plied his way toward the cushion, and with two beats against it, performed a dosido with the eight ball and, singular sensation that he was, slid into the corner pocket. "Safe!" or so he thought.

Unfortunately, the cue ball, under the effect of gravity, followed him into the hole, blocking his retreat. "Blind as a billard ball" thought one.

Sumo Jo reached into the pocket, pulled out the cue ball, and placed it on the forward spot, and one was alone again. Then, horror of horrors, Sumo Jo reached into the pocket again and pulled out one, placing him on the...
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Postby Shapley » Thu Jun 07, 2007 10:43 am

...shelf next to several dusty coffee cups and an unread copy of Crichton's State of Fear, which leaned lazily toward a tattered and dog-eared copy of Nixon's Six Crises. Sumo Jo paused for a moment, his hand on One to steady him, then released him, content that he would not roll from his position.

One's single eye was turned towards one of the coffee cups, obviously a promotional item Sumo Jo had received during his days as a physician. The bright yellow face beamed back at him, telling him to 'Have A Nice Day', and was courtesy of Viagra. One strained and tried to divert his gaze to the Crichton book, but it was in vain. The yellow face continued to beam sappily back at him. "Nice day, indeed!" thought One.

The sound of ceramic balls clacking, rolling, and dropping continued below him. One soon found himself joined on the shelf by Fourteen.

"Humph!", thought One. He had never been too fond of the double-digits. Too uppity he thought, flashing their stripes like some kind of badge of honour. Nine was okay, though. He had stripes, but had never really become 'one of them'. To be honest, I don't think the double-digits were particularly fond of Nine. He was an outcast, much like One. And Eight, of course. Poor Eight! He fit in with neither stripes nor solids. His solid colour was not complimented with a corresponding stripe. He was always the last one picked, he was even avoided during play, simply because he was black. Pool is a very racist game.

As One was thinking this, he found Nine joining him on the shelf. Nine apparently wasn't happy there, as he immediately rolled to the edge, causing Sumo Jo to turn, catching him just before he struck the floor. This distraction obviously annoyed Sumo Jo, who slammed Nine hard onto the shelf, startling One and Fourteen, and upsetting the coffee cups. The Viagra cup, which had rested very near the shelf edge, now plunged floorward, much to One's delectation.

"Have a nice day!" shouted One towards the shelf edge, as he saw the last of the yellow circle plunging downward. He listened for the satisfying sound of a cup fragmenting on the cold tile floor. Instead, however, his ears were greeted by...
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Postby Shapley » Wed Jun 20, 2007 3:15 pm

...that all-too-familiar sound of classical music being sung, ...nay screeched, by a band of yodellers. "How awful", thought One, completely forgetting about the coffee cup and its' impending demise. Had he had fingers, he would surely have a couple of them planted firmly in his ears, if he had any ears. Unfortunately, he had neither, nor had he legs to leave the room, and thus he was forced to listen as the yodelling continued, on and on and on until....
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:14 pm

...it stopped, to be replaced by the sound of something that sounded vaguely like the theme music from "The Waltons". The music, while not entirely unpleasant, was not entirely satisfying either. "Time to request some Vivaldi." thought One, as he looked toward the corner. Bottom sat there glaring at the keyboard on his laptop. He was trying hard to enter a request, but his hooves failed him. Exasperated, he dumped the laptop unceremoniously to the floor. He rose from his seat and walked toward the exit.

The sound of traffic filled the hall as the doorway was opened. A city bus roared by, the smell of diesel exhaust lingering in it's wake, hesitating, and then moving slowly skyward to join it's greenhouse-gas brethren. Bottom watched for a second as the carbon molecules dissipated into the air, waiting to be offset by some as-yet-unknown gesture brought about by the generosity of some environmentally-aware citizen.

Or, maybe not.

Bottom turned and walked toward the towering gate that straddled the street. A banner above the street proclaimed "不要進入". Bottom regarded the message for a moment, then proceeded through the arch at the base of the tower. He was already late for his meeting, and his host did not like to be kept waiting. Through the tower was the quickest route, even though it meant running the risk of...
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Thu Sep 24, 2009 12:37 pm

...meeting Ort, to whom Bottom owed a considerable sum of money. Ort was known to frequent this part of town, where he sang with a local band and also found work as a part-time window washer. Bottom glided down the street, as swiftly and silently as his legs would carry him. Ort was there but, busy washing a window while singing the Aria from Bob Dylan's latest opera, appeared oblivious to Bottom's passing.

A policeman on a Segway scooted past. Bottom smiled and nodded to the officer as he went by. "What an ass." He heard the policeman say to nobody in particular after their brief passing. Nobody in particular replied with some unintelligible comment. Bottom, being in a hurry, had no time to wonder about it.

Not so, however, with Ort. Who heard the comment and wondered about it. He thought he had heard the words "Ass" and "Bottom", so he turned from his duties and looked about the street. Too late, however, as Bottom had turned the corner and was now working his way towards the temple. Ort, puzzled, returned to clean the window, only to find the glass now broken and lying in a jagged and dangerous pile on the sidewalk. "Oh, crap!" He said to Nobody in particular, who did not respond. Nobody in particular had, by now, had enough of this idle conversation and, turning from the broken window, set out to see where Bottom was heading. The policeman approached Ort and the broken window.

"What's all this, then?" asked the policeman in a thick, Irish accent with matching bonnet...
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:34 am

..."and what ha' ya' done with this thread?" he asked. "It's been all but abandoned, I tell ya".

"The thread is lost" chimed in Harry Reid, who happened to be passing by.

"To accept that this thread can still be continued requires a willful suspension of disbelief." said his female companion, who looked vaguley familiar.

"We need a timetable for withdrawal from this thread. It has become a quagmire, consuming our resources with no hope of achieving any satisfactory goal." Added a former Senator from Illinois.

"I will not accept any artificial timetables." Said Shapley. "I will stay the course. I am committed to victory on this thread. I will not abandon it to the forces of evil."

"This thread has become a distraction from the valid threads elsewhere on the board." Said Ort. "We were on the right course over in the Debate Team threads, but then we got bogged down in this quagmire."

"Then I stand alone," said Shapley "but I will press on. I will scour the board for threads with which to bind this. There will be no retreat, no surrender."

And with that, Shapley surged into the thread...
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby shostakovich » Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:48 pm

Pretty cute, Shap, but your thinly-veiled attempt to bring the "debate team" to the musical discourses has been uncovered. :)
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:01 pm

Rats!
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:58 am

A top-down review
has officially been ordered
of this thread which, till now,
on extinction has bordered.

Every post, every line,
ever character will be traced.
Those characters found wanting
will be retrained, or replaced.

This thread is not lost,
but I like a ship in a doldrum
it sits idly, sans motion
while the crew plays Texas Hold-em.

As idle as a painted ship
upon a painted computer screen,
this thread has languished for too long
Its posts have grown too lean.

Thus I seek to restore it to life
a new strategery to try
that the posts that have been posted here
shall not be left to die.

This thread will be saved
from the brink of defeat.
I will press onward and upward.
I shall not surrender nor retreat.

There are some, no doubt,
who willingly would let
this thread to be lost
without pity or regret.

But not I, I tell ye
this thread I must save
and not allow these noble posts
to fade to an anonymous grave!

Press onward, brave posters!
Fear not the forces of terror.
Refrain not from posting,
for fear of grammerical error.

Fear not ridicule,
nor the ever-watchful eyes
of they who rather ye not post
than post with an e before an i.

Damn the spell-checker!
Post full ahead!
Put your thoughts to the keyboard!
Better read than dead!

This thread is expendable
some try to tell me.
Its loss will not be noticed,
and we will be no less free.

Fools! They are and will ever be
for every thinking man knows
if this valiant thread falls
others will follow, like dominoes.

Like the Men in Black
and the four shadows lurking
sinister forces are trying
to keep this thread from working

I know not their identity,
but I have my guess, since
they are the same ones who've tried
to destroy the purity of our essence.

Thus, from the coffee fields of Venus
to the orbiting space elevator
I'll be reviewing the posts
that I may surge forward, later.

Just as the moving finger that has writ,
or the werewolf that can't be unbitten,
no post shall be rewrit,
for What is written, is written.

But the course shall be corrected
to ensure that the heading is true,
not to be confused with charting a new course,
which I am loathe to do!

Nor shall I be content,
merely to post for posting's sake,
Rather a fitting Eulogy
for reading at my wake!

Thus, tho' should I to return be forced
to the start and begin again,
as God is my witness, as God is my witness,
I shall not leave this thread unposted again!
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby shostakovich » Fri Dec 18, 2009 10:55 pm

This Rhyme of the Not-So-Ancient Net Mariner should be essential reading in the public schools some say. Coleridge, eat your heart out.
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:17 am

Grazie!
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Re: "And now for something completely different"

Postby Shapley » Mon Dec 28, 2009 5:57 pm

The story thus far...

The Earth, it seems, in Haggis' dreams
is neither flat nor round
five-sided, tis, multi-dimiz,
or so Haggis claims to have found.

The ocean, howe'er have turned it from square
to a smooth-edged cubic, of sorts.
Tho' crudely defined by these blurred lines
o'er which the water flows and distorts.

One edge of this cubic, whose sides are unknown,
by geophysic constraints shan't yield,
extending its length with all its strength
to the end of the playing field.

There, donning third socks, in God's sandbox,
the players are gathered anew.
With clipboards in hand, they'll clear the swampland
and the limits of gravity eschew.

Then sometime later, a space elevator
they'll erect and connect with a tether
to that self-same Earth, the land of our birth,
to launch planes as light as a feather.

Sixty-three thousand, give or take a grand,
miles above our cranium,
a launching platform, like a ship will take form,
powered by pure Uranium.

And Izzy the Stoner (ever the loner)
will store there his secret stash
in the ventilator, till sometime later,
he'll exchange the whole lot for cash.

As Shapley gathers all that matters
from every topic and post
and weaves together that sacred tether
that ties securely satellite and host.

While Capt. Tim, on a posters whim
seeks Mars to colonize,
in a tangled mess caused by anyone's guess
crashes, and then dies.

And with a lurch, Charlotte Church
is joined with a flatulent band,
and the Babes Operatic, playing music sporatic,
that can be called anything but grand.

While Haggis, in dismay, lashes out at they,
that to Star Trek® their lives devote.
It is to his dismay that Spock's shoe size they
from memory can quote.

And here our mirth, like Haggis' Earth,
became multidimensional indeed,
for by events quite curious, the posting became furious,
and continuity we could no longer heed.

But from the chaos emerges, and on the elevator converges,
a cast of characters varied,
including Tenernot, Ort, a singer of some sort,
and Tim Robbins, quickly buried.

The well-digger remained, and Bottom was named,
he, the well-diggers' ass.
And dancing the hula, was our very own Lula
a charming grass-skirted lass.

And the lawyer, unnamed, and Tarzan, untamed,
took their place on the stage.
And Izzy was killed, tho with Selma's keyboard skilled
return'd to see a ripe old age.

And Willy-Nilly, as the thread got silly,
our composer decomposing,
like his ill-written tomes, lies dead in his home,
or so I am supposing.
Last edited by Shapley on Wed Dec 30, 2009 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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