Jokes

[Shapley]

Q. What should I do if I recieve an e-mail with the subject
"Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"?

A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain a computer virus!

Q. What should I do if I recieve an e-mail with the subject
"Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"?

A. Whatever you do, don't open it! It could contain nude pictures of
Hillary Clinton!

[Serenity]

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

[Serenity]

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

[Serenity]

"Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR." --Conan O'Brien

[Serenity]

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

[Serenity]

"And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She's got a four-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother, and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?" --Jimmy Kimmel

[Serenity]

"Senator Barack Obama proposed for the first time setting a deadline for withdrawing troops from Iraq, as part of a broader plan aimed at bolstering his foreign policy credentials. Because if you don't know your foreign policy, you might only get elected president twice." -- Amy Poehler

[Serenity]

"What a historic night. The first time an actual black person is leading the charge for a major American political party. I think that says something pretty great about America: we will accept a black man to lead us if the only other choice is a woman." –Bill Maher

[Serenity]

"Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind." --Jay Leno

[jamiebk]

Not just another Nigerian money scam............
#################################################
SUBJECT: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

DEAR AMERICAN CITIZEN:

I NEED TO ASK YOU TO SUPPORT AN URGENT SECRET BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF GREAT MAGNITUDE.

I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. MY COUNTRY HAS HAD CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 800 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.

I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S. THIS TRANSACTIN IS 100% SAFE.

THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY. WE NEED A BLANK CHECK. WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON WHO WILL ACT AS A NEXT OF KIN SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.

PLEASE REPLY WITH ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA, AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTION. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

MINISTER OF THE TREASURY
HENRY PAULSON

[Trumpetmaster]

The Frightened Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
Tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
Nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a
Large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
Shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the heck out of me!'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't
realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today
is my first day driving a cab..... I've been driving a hearse for the last
25 years.'

[Shapley]

[Trumpetmaster]

Shapley,

My wife sent that to me this morning..
I nearly peed in my pants reading it........

glad you liked it!

Regards,
TM

[Serenity]

What's the difference between frustration and panic?

Frustration is the fist time you discover you can't do it the second time.

Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.

[Serenity]

A squirrel and a trombone player are both hit by a car. \

What's the difference between the two?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

[Trumpetmaster]

A squirrel and a trombone player are both hit by a car. \

What's the difference between the two?

The squirrel was on his way to a gig.

Where is Trombonepirate?

[Schmeelkie]

Thanks Jamie for the bailout joke. Loved it - sent it to Econ Husband. (not that I have other categories of husbands...)

And thanks Serenity for the quotes - wish I got enough sleep on a regular basis to watch late-night TV (like Letterman, Jon Stewart, etc) - between the election and the bailout, they must having a field day!

[Trumpetmaster]

The Dilettante's Dictionary of Music...

ALLREGRETTO: When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too
fast a tempo

ANGUS DEI: To play with a divinely beefy tone

A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping

APPOLOGGIATURA: A composition that you regret playing

APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played
with an "I meant to do that" attitude

APPROXIMENTO: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the
correct pitch

CACOUGHANY: A composition incorporating many people with chest colds

CORAL SYMPHONY: A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean
Period

DILL PICCOLINI: An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour
notes

FERMANTRA: A note held over and over and over and over and . . .

FERMOOTA: A note of dubious value held for indefinite length

FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players

FLUTE FLIES: Those tiny mosquitoes that bother musicians on outdoor gigs

FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument

GAUL BLATTER: A French horn player

GREGORIAN CHAMP: The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the
longest

GROUND HOG: Someone who takes control of the repeated bassline and won't let
anyone else play it

PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor

SCHMALZANDO: A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band

THE RIGHT OF STRINGS: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of
Cruelty to Violists

SPRITZICATO: An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and
bubbly sound

TEMPO TANTRUM: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not
following the conductor (also common in municipal bands and community
orchestras)

TROUBLE CLEF: Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists

[Shapley]

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

Thanks, TM!