Jokes

[Trumpetmaster]

You're Welcome...

These are my favorites!!

FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument


APPOLOGGIATURA: A composition that you regret playing

PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor

FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players

Last Nights Band Rehearsal = APPROXIMENTO: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch

[Haggis@wk]

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT TH E HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!


She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!

[jamiebk]

This just HAD to get posted here: Happy Friday everyone!

[piqaboo]

Much laughter.
Placebo Domingo... love it.

Shap, that sign was in the San Diego Zoo (engrish version onrly) for many years.
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[Shapley]

Always check your children's homework:



Mommy works at Home Depot. She was selling a shovel.

[Trumpetmaster]

Always check your children's homework:



Mommy works at Home Depot. She was selling a shovel.

doesn't look like a shovel to me..........

[Shapley]

I notice all the customers (who are male), are smiling. I never smile when I buy a shovel. Must be a very good shovel.....

[piqaboo]

Wah, I ccant see the picture...

[Serenity]

The giant shovel looks more like a giant axe. i couldn't distinguish the males from the females except for mommy with the long hair.

[Shapley]

The giant shovel looks more like a giant axe. i couldn't distinguish the males from the females except for mommy with the long hair.

I think it's a snow shovel, which would explain the demand.....

[DavidS]

The giant shovel looks more like a giant axe. i couldn't distinguish the males from the females except for mommy with the long hair.

I think it's a snow shovel, which would explain the demand.....

To me it looks more like a mallet.
And anyway, what has length of hair got to do with gender?

[Serenity]

The giant shovel looks more like a giant axe. i couldn't distinguish the males from the females except for mommy with the long hair.

I think it's a snow shovel, which would explain the demand.....

To me it looks more like a mallet.
And anyway, what has length of hair got to do with gender?

You're right but it's the only clue about the gender of anyone in the painting; and I'm also assuming that mommy is typically female.

[jamiebk]

Sure looks like a pole dancer to me...but them I've got a warped mind.

[Shapley]

Sure looks like a pole dancer to me...but them I've got a warped mind.

I think it's significant that she has no clothes on. But then, neither do the customers......

[Serenity]

There are 3 blondes and 3 brunettes but they are equally rich. Mommy has something they want and they are tempting Mommy with money. As soon as she bites I would bang her on the head with the shovel and take my money back. I would then use the shovel to stave off the others who want it.

[Serenity]

New Element Found



Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Trumpetmaster]

Calling in sick


Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come
work today, I really sick, Got headache, stomach
ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to
my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon ....... You
got nice house.'

[Schmeelkie]

Loved the 'new element' Serentity...had to forward to friends and family!

[Trumpetmaster]

Who is your true friend?

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you??

[jamiebk]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."