Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Feb 06, 2009 4:47 pm

Monday:
"Hi Honey, I'm home!"
"Oh good! Would you mind taking a look at the toilet because it's clogged."
"Who do I look like?....The Tidy Bowl Man?"

Tuesday:
"Hi Honey, I'm home!"
"Oh good! Could you get the kitchen sink to not backup?"
"Do you think I'm a plumber?"

Wednesday:
"Hi Honey, I'm home!"
"Oh good! Say, the washing machine isn't draining properly. Won't you take a look at it?"
"Who do you think I am? The Maytag Repairman?"

Thursday (Honey hired a plumber/repairman.):
"Hi Honey, I'm home!"
"I hired a plumber to fix everything."
"Oh! How much did that cost?"
"Well, since we're short on cash, I was given a choice to repay with cake or sex."
"Great! What flavor did you bake?"
"Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
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Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:16 pm

I was going to put this on the "receipe board"... :rofl:

Ben & Jerry have created "Yes Pecan!" ice cream flavor for Obama.

For George W. they they asked for suggestions from the public. Here are some responses:

- Grape Depression
- The Housing Crunch
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Guantanmallow
- imPeachmint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Country Pumpkin
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- WMDelicious
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
Jamie

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Re: Jokes

Postby alkalinelife421 » Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:30 am

OperaTenor wrote:The two rules for being a Tenor:<P>1. The tenor part is <I>always</I> the melody.<P>2. All directions are to be interpreted as "SING LOUDER".<P> :D

hahah hilarious!
when not at my job at a alkaline supplements store, i luv to play music & want a baby grand someday!
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Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:53 pm

Time for some humor...some of these are old...some are new...all are "groaners", but you gotta laugh: (apologies in advance :rofl: :rofl: )

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Jamie

"Leave it better than you found it"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Selma in Sandy Eggo » Fri Apr 17, 2009 12:30 am

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

:I break into song: ... Poultry in motion... :sing:
and
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I think I've been served that. :yuk:
>^..^<
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Re: Jokes

Postby DavidS » Fri Apr 17, 2009 1:10 am

Does your dentist look down in the mouth?

Mine told me not to envy her having to stomach halitosis and the unpleasant sights she has to face day in and day out, so I told her to thank her lucky stars she wasn't a proctologist...
Tel grain, tel pain.
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Re: Jokes

Postby piqaboo » Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:17 am

We work with a urologist named R. Dick, MD.
Yup, good ol' Dr Dick.

We also work with a urologist named John Thomas.

I guess these guys grow up thinking they have no choice re careers.
Altoid - curiously strong.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:31 am

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'


Reminds me of this one:

Dick: "My brother swallowed a firecracker."

Jane: "Oh! My! How is he doing?"

Dick: "No report!"
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby DavidS » Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:48 am

I once had an uncle who went out one evening wearing two monocles by mistake - one in each eye.
Made a spectacle of himself.
Tel grain, tel pain.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:54 am

My uncle, who worked at the distillery, died last month after falling into a vat of whisky. They tried to rescue him, but he managed to fight them off for over half an hour.

_______________

I had an Native American friend that once drank four gallons of tea. He drowned in his own tea pee.
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Fri Apr 17, 2009 11:36 am

OMG...what have I done....What have I done!!! :rofl: :rofl:
Jamie

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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:30 pm

A truck driver was driving along the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:33 pm

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I
owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:48 pm

Hmmmmm.....

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
3. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
4. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
5. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
8. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
9. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
10.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:56 pm

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 10:02 pm

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri Apr 17, 2009 10:07 pm

Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE PROCEDURE

* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Selma in Sandy Eggo » Sun Apr 19, 2009 11:15 pm

Serenity wrote:Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

In Braille. The instructions are posted at the drive-thru ATM in Braille.
>^..^<
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Re: Jokes

Postby DavidS » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:44 am

You're quite right Selma. A large proportion of the drivers that I meet on the roads need white sticks.
Tel grain, tel pain.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Schmeelkie » Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:37 am

piqaboo wrote:We work with a urologist named R. Dick, MD.
Yup, good ol' Dr Dick.

We also work with a urologist named John Thomas.

I guess these guys grow up thinking they have no choice re careers.


Had a friend in college planning to go to med school - Matt Clott. If we were outside or at a party and needed to locate him, we'd yell, "Paging Dr. Clott, Dr. Clott to hematology". don't know what he ended up doing for his specialty....
"Up plus down equals flat" Pumpkin, 3 yrs, 10 mo, July '07
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