Jokes

Chat with fellow classical music fans about your favorite composers. Ask a question about your favorite composition. Musicians are encouraged to post their ideas about music or a performance! This forum is for classical music fans from all around the world! Join in a classical conversation today.

Moderator: Nicole Marie

Re: Jokes

Postby BigJon@Work » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:02 am

Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:
Serenity wrote:Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

In Braille. The instructions are posted at the drive-thru ATM in Braille.

It's for blind passengers.
"I am a 12 foot lizard." GCR Jan 31, 2006
BigJon@Work
2nd Chair
 
Posts: 2252
Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 12:01 am
Location: work. Duh!

Re: Jokes

Postby Selma in Sandy Eggo » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:24 pm

BigJon@Work wrote:
Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:
Serenity wrote:Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

In Braille. The instructions are posted at the drive-thru ATM in Braille.

It's for blind passengers.

It's on the DRIVER's side.
>^..^<
Selma in Sandy Eggo
1st Chair
 
Posts: 6273
Joined: Thu Dec 12, 2002 1:01 am
Location: San Diego

Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:29 pm

Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:It's on the DRIVER's side.


Blind people always back through, so their passengers can work the ATM....
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
Shapley
Patron
 
Posts: 15196
Joined: Wed Nov 13, 2002 1:01 am
Location: Cape Girardeau, MO

Re: Jokes

Postby piqaboo » Mon Apr 20, 2009 1:20 pm

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"


These two have been my favorites for years. I had to delete the top one from a draft performance appraisal I wrote, once. It was just so ... correct.
Altoid - curiously strong.
piqaboo
1st Chair
 
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 12:01 am
Location: Paradise (So. Cal.)

Re: Jokes

Postby barfle » Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:16 am

One of my favorites is:

This employee never makes the same mistake twice, but he seems determined to make them all once.
--I know what I like--
barfle
1st Chair
 
Posts: 6144
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2001 1:01 am
Location: Springfield, Vahjinyah, USA

Re: Jokes

Postby Shapley » Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:21 am

"Employee is adept at finding new and innovative ways to hinder production."
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
Shapley
Patron
 
Posts: 15196
Joined: Wed Nov 13, 2002 1:01 am
Location: Cape Girardeau, MO

Re: Jokes

Postby Schmeelkie » Tue Apr 21, 2009 10:31 am

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"


I got corralled into helping one of my bosses with an employee on another study of hers that was like this. He NEEDED to be micromanaged. Happily, he left for a full-time position somewhere else after about a year. Current replacement is still having issues with his work - I sympathize with her...
"Up plus down equals flat" Pumpkin, 3 yrs, 10 mo, July '07
Schmeelkie
2nd Chair
 
Posts: 1201
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2005 12:01 am
Location: Rochester, NY

Re: Jokes

Postby analog » Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:52 pm

Image
Cogito ergo doleo.
analog
2nd Chair
 
Posts: 1573
Joined: Tue Jun 17, 2003 12:01 am
Location: arkansas ozarks

Re: Jokes

Postby barfle » Wed Apr 22, 2009 7:29 am

Somewhere in my collection of photos, I have a picture of a sign on the Ohio Turnpike that reads "Slow down or move over for stopped traffic."

Well duhhh. Seems like the common sense requirements for a license in Ohio are pretty low.

I'll see if I can post it tonight.
--I know what I like--
barfle
1st Chair
 
Posts: 6144
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2001 1:01 am
Location: Springfield, Vahjinyah, USA

Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Wed Apr 22, 2009 2:39 pm

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting.. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

:rofl:
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
Trumpetmaster
Patron
 
Posts: 11557
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:01 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Re: Jokes

Postby BigJon@Work » Thu Apr 23, 2009 12:38 pm

Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:
BigJon@Work wrote:
Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:In Braille. The instructions are posted at the drive-thru ATM in Braille.

It's for blind passengers.

It's on the DRIVER's side.

And I quote from a bank executive: "We ask our blind customers to not give their PIN to taxi drivers or other drivers who may be helping them temporarily."

Backseat passengers, silly lady.
"I am a 12 foot lizard." GCR Jan 31, 2006
BigJon@Work
2nd Chair
 
Posts: 2252
Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 12:01 am
Location: work. Duh!

Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Fri May 01, 2009 11:47 am

Traffic Cameras:

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite strange, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt
Jamie

"Leave it better than you found it"
jamiebk
1st Chair
 
Posts: 4284
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:01 am
Location: SF Bay Area - Wine Country

Re: Jokes

Postby jamiebk » Fri May 01, 2009 3:14 pm

Thoughts for a Friday afternoon:

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson (?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Hornung
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Jamie

"Leave it better than you found it"
jamiebk
1st Chair
 
Posts: 4284
Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:01 am
Location: SF Bay Area - Wine Country

Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Fri May 01, 2009 9:08 pm

I was going with the WC Fields quote as the best but Cliff's explanation blows them all away! :crazy:
Serenity
1st Chair
 
Posts: 4666
Joined: Sun May 18, 2003 12:01 am

Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:15 pm

Irish Bank Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the
hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at
him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence.
Then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says,
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

:rofl:
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
Trumpetmaster
Patron
 
Posts: 11557
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:01 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:21 pm

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello..'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the20results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders..

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . . . If he finds his way home . . . don't sleep with him.'
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
Trumpetmaster
Patron
 
Posts: 11557
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:01 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Re: Jokes

Postby OperaTenor » Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:02 am

Web Site Story

Turn up your sound!
"To help mend the world is true religion."
- William Penn

http://www.one.org
OperaTenor
Patron
 
Posts: 10457
Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2002 1:01 am
Location: Paradise with Piq & Altoid, southern California

Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:15 am

OperaTenor wrote:Web Site Story

Turn up your sound!




:rotfl:
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
Trumpetmaster
Patron
 
Posts: 11557
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:01 am
Location: Long Island, NY

Re: Jokes

Postby piqaboo » Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:43 pm

Oooh! I liked it!
Altoid - curiously strong.
piqaboo
1st Chair
 
Posts: 7135
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 12:01 am
Location: Paradise (So. Cal.)

Re: Jokes

Postby Trumpetmaster » Tue Jul 07, 2009 11:36 am

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses
of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all
of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time
and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:

"Red...................cherry"

"Yellow...............lemon"

"Green.................lime"

"Orange...............orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children
could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what
your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and
yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"
Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.
Trumpetmaster
Patron
 
Posts: 11557
Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:01 am
Location: Long Island, NY

PreviousNext

Return to Musical Notes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot]

cron