"And now for something completely different"

[haggis]

A Dr. Who, what, when and where Tardy Tardis?

Realizing he is in a gelato time warp (Ed. A “gelato time warp”? – yeah I know, lame but it’s early, go wtith the flow and give me a break here!) Determined to break from its sticky pull Dr. W3 reaches for his control but he is too late.

Our hero is aghast to hear, faintly, ever so faintly but growing bolder as he listened, those words, those execrable, detesable words that had not been uttered (uddered? Ottered? Authored?) by the author in over a century:


"His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut you up wi' ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin', rich! "

Oh crap, all that entropy talk and Haggis bashing has unleashed the spirit of Rabbie Burns upon the unsuspecting world; truly the only poet on earth whose poetry is indecipherable everywhere, even in his native country!

My greatest fear is that he will somehow find his way to a Star Trek convention and learn the (something, something) mind meld and buy a pair of Spock ears (Ed. Do they still sell those? Yeah, they must, Selma knows his shoe size fer gawdsake!!)

Well it could be worse; at least he’ll understand Mr. Scott and vice versa and speaking of wurst gelato, can Dr. Who what when and where escape the “Gelato time warp” (Ed. ?? I told you, just drop it. Okay?) and..

[Shapley]

...join the coffee clatch as they depart for Mars. Probably not, as it was already leaving the earth, from a launching pad, unfortunately, since the orbiting platform plan fell through.

As the vessel left the Earth far behind, on its long a perilous journey to Mars, it passed just abaft the asteroid which had earlier caused so much havoc on their planet of departure. They maneuvered near enough to observe the asteroids surface. However, Capt. Robbins failed to notice the rope trailing from the asteroid until it was too late. The rope had become entwined about the vessels hull. The rope tethered the vessel firmly to the asteroid, pulling it into orbit around. Which is sort of ironic, since its purpose had been to pull the asteroid into orbit around the earth.

Now tethered to the asteroid, the vessel circled around about it. However, since their orbit was not asteroidsynchronous, and the excellent quality of the knot tied in the rope (sort of a modified bowline with a double overhand half… whatever) allowed very limited slippage, the tether became shorter with every orbit. Eventually (exactly 23 1/5 orbits, to be exact) the vessel was out of rope, and impacted the asteroids surface where the crew was trapped. Now deprived of the motion necessary to maintain the ships power supply in operational condition, the life support systems shut down. (Exciting, isn’t it!)

Now powerless and running low on air and time, the crew set about to the task of freeing themselves and their vessel from their predicament. Like they crew of U-96, except that they were in space, and they weren’t German, and their wasn’t a war on, and they weren’t in a submarine …., but other than that they were pretty much alike, They had to restore power and save the vessel if they were to survive. Unfortunately for the crew, Tim Robbins is no Jurgen Prochnow. His leadership was not sufficient to save the crew, and one by they succumbed, while the rest simply died. Thus Tim Robbins, like Adam West so many years before him, failed to colonize Mars, and the Mission was given up. The Jesuits, including Robert DeNiro, Jeremy Irons, and Liam Neeson, were slaughtered alongside the newly christianized natives. Only the outstanding score by Ennio Morricone survived.

But perhaps it was not the leadership of Tim Robbins that failed them. Jurgen Prochnow had the benefit of an outstanding soundtrack by jazz master Klaus Doldinger, while Tim Robbins did not. Perhaps even with a triumphal piece by John Williams, the mission could have been saved, and Tim Robbins place in history would be secure.

However, the story on Venus was quite different. Even as Tim Robins was vainly searching for a phennigs worth of wire, Ensign Pulver was ....

[barfle]

...gradually realizing that he was only a figment of Haggis's imagination - yet another nightmare caused by the ongoing consumption of fermented grain and sheep stomachs.

"Stop, Dave," he pleaded. Again and again, the cries rang out. "Please, Dave, stop. My mind is going, Dave.

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do."

Finally, mercifully, he was gone, and the Scottish Air Force Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band began to play in his stead.

But what was that other sound? No, NO, a thousand times NO! Not the Revenge Aria! Now it was clear - the rope was deliberately left trailing by Sumi Jo, a member of that dreaded crime family, the Sopranos. Nothing but trouble, that group.

But to the rescue, nearly invisible, flying out of the darkness of space, the inverse albino jay, nearly deafened by the hideous noise, with total disregard for its own safety, did a cannonball into the remaining window protecting the transducer.

Mortally wounded, the jay...

[Shapley]

siezed the Eutonium 236 explosive space modulator, which for unknown reasons had been inscribed with the words "Welcome to the party, pal" by one of the crew members.
/ I know some people call it the Utonium, not Eutonium, as it Uranium and Plutonium. It think of it as Europium (pronounced "You Rope EEum", not "Your Opium") and Plutonium. I've only seen the cartoon, not read the transcript, so now I might be mistaken/

With only seconds to spare (seconds of course being slightly longer on the asteroids surface due to the space-time continuum thing, not that it mattered much to a dying raven), the inverse albino jay...

[bigjoel]

....disarms the explosive space modulator, and converts it into a trans-vector space communications device. Using his T.S.C.D., the inverse albino jay taps into the Beethoven.com high-bandwidth stream, and sends out a distress signal, hoping against hope that someone will come to their aid.......

Millions of light years away, Captain Skid McMarks (c. Sony) receives the distress calls on his RealOne player, and flies his ship toward the source of the signals . As he nears the asteroid....

[haggis]

Ed. sorry, little house cleaning here on this current "Martian nonsense" that creeps in this thread every now and then.....glares at OT......


Arriving on Barsoom all these modern travelers were met by Captain John Carter of Barsoom and his vicious Tharks, the most ferocious of the war-loving hordes of green men that inhabit, and terrorize, the dead sea bottoms of Barsoom. And were chopped into the equivelant of Barsoomian fertilizer for the mantalia plants

Ed. Time to nip all this damn “Capt Robbins” nonsense in the bud…

[barfle]

...and providing Deja Thoris with her daily ration of Soylent Green.

Quickly, she dialed the Number of the Beast on her communicator. The Monster of the Id answered, "Yo."

"We have an emergency. Robin, the reverse albino jay has flashed his wings in the sky. The ship has crashed on the asteroid Asteroidium, and we must get their supply of sheeps stomachs to them immediately, or they will...

[Shapley]

Haggis,

Your too late. Capt. Robbins either succumbed or died along with Bruce Willis and the rest of the crew three posts earlier. We're supposed to be on Venus now.

Unless, of course, Selma declares him, too, immortal, in which case all bets are off.


V/R
Shapley

<small>[ 09-30-2003, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>

[Shapley]

...die, if they are not already. What's that? They've already perished? Oh, well! The emergency is over. By the way, how are the kids?"

As the conversational tone changed from urgent to casual, we casually turn our attention to Venus.

Ah! Venus! Goddess of love and beauty. And the planet which bears her name, whose surface is, well, neither lovely nor beautiful. Venus would be rolling over in her grave, if she weren't immortal and thus not resting in one.

The coffee growers, however, have found beauty in Venus, the planet, not the goddess. (Well, they probably found beauty in her, too, but that's not the subject of the thread.) In the high Venutian mountains coffee beans thrive. The toxic atmosphere gives the beans a robust and slightly hallucinogenic quality. Walbucks and the other coffee and opiate producing and exporting companies (COPEC, or "Big Coffee" as they are called) were the first to realize the marketing potential for such a beverage. They gathered at their secret enclave to discuss...

[dkm32]

...the real, honest to goddess truth about the Holy Grail. And the truth is, given enough expresso...

[OperaTenor]

Originally posted by Haggis:
Ed. sorry, little house cleaning here on this current "Martian nonsense" that creeps in this thread every now and then.....glares at OT......

<What? No arched eyebrows this time? Wha'd I do now?> :p

[bignaf]

Originally posted by Haggis:
OT..OT, man you got a wicked memory, I don’t remember ever using that gig before. It was a favorite goofy discussion starter used by a friend years ago and it just stuck with me. Actually I did think “Was it a six or seven sided cube?” when I was writing it.

Ya know, scary, memory enhanced people like you have a habit of meeting with a bad end, if you take my meaning….

Haggis, you said that in "this is the thread":
here
here's the text

Haggis
Member


posted 01-18-2003 02:47 PM
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I’ve come to the conclusion that the earth is not round, nor is it flat. My hypothesis is that the earth is actually a 7-sided cube and the forces of gravity cause the oceans to round off the corners.
I’ve almost confirmed that Stone Mountain in Georgia and Ayers Rock, down under are two of the corners. I theorized that at least one of the corners is actually in another dimension; that could possibly explain the reason for the great rift in Africa, a kind of turned inside out corner.

Oops, gotta go, I’m doing so much better now that the let me out on weekends…..think I’ll go to Mars today.

--------------------
Haggis
"Your post is good and original. However, the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good"


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Posts: 230 | From: warm, humid, and wonderfully sticky Dallas, Texas!! | Registered: May 2002 | IP: Logged |

[haggis]

Even the Grail would derail; suffering from a caffeine high that reaches new lows of stimulating stimulant intoxication.

But back on the mountains of Venus, our Venusian hero, Napier Carson, failed Martian astronaut but a heck of a sword fighter was leaning back in his couch, puffing on his espresso-hallucinogenic-laced hookah, and reminisces on the events that brought him to Venus to begin with - thankful, at least, that in HIS universe “trekkies” were merely tree-huggers walking all over Kathmandu in search of enlightenment, or at least looking to score some good hash which brings us back to our stoned hero who reflected that his life would have been so different if he had just….

Ed. Big you and OT are both a little scary. You remind me of my wife’s ability to resolve any argument in her favor by remembering what I said 30 years earlier (usually it was “I do” but there were other, less memorable statements)

As I hinted rather darkly to OT, reverse Cassandras have a nasty habit of being found down by the river, real short of breath with knuckle bumps on their head.

[barfle]

...not been busted trying to get his overweight load of caffine-laced hash up the space elevator. Apparently, he offered a few too many tokes to the operator, who snapped the cable at the 15,000 mile point, sending himself and the precious cargo into the ocean (thank God for the coriolis effect, or he would have hit the platform at well over 100 miles per hour).

Fortunately, Gislain the Jedi Master was nearby, and the two of them posed a formidable threat to...

[OperaTenor]

Lula and the tenor, who had stowed away with enough pearl-laced gelato to choke one of those funnel-shaped planet-eating machine things Commodore Decker killed himself trying to destroy on the original Start Trek series(c'mon, name the episode, Selma). Gislain was able to stop the hurtling elevator by the time it reached the 62,000 mile point(or is it 63,000?), at which point they were all able to step off onto the CV-65/NCC-1701, and were greeted by what was left of Izzy the stoner, who...

<small>[ 10-01-2003, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: operatenor ]</small>

[Shapley]

...was enjoying a second bowl of haggis flavored gelato with Don Soprano. Sure, they had all laughed at the idea of gelato with the flavor of a sheeps stomach, but who was laughing now? The haggis craze had become so widespread that sheep were in danger of extension on Earth. They had tried making haggis with cows stomach, but the it had lacked that delicious flavour of sheep entrails.

That was before Izzy came up with the idea of breeding cows with sheep. Cows, having four stomachs, produced four times the haggis per animal that you got from a single sheep, with very little sacrifice of flavour.

As an added bonus, the wooly leather hide was very useful for....

[piqaboo]

keeping one's stash neatly water and varmint proofed (the smell of untanned shcowp hide was, fortuitously, quite repellent). These properties were especially appreciated when said stash was to be hidden in spaces such as air conditioning ducts. Particularly since the smell blended well with those emitted by.....

[Shapley]

<small>[ 10-02-2003, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Shapley ]</small>

[dkm32]

Let's see the way the previous two read is...

Particularly since the smell blended well with those emitted by.....
Shapley

Interesting!

But here comes Lulu and AEBT with their sheep stomach full of Gelato.


AEBT: Arched Eye Browed-Tenor

[OperaTenor]

Originally posted by piqaboo:
...shcowp...

FOMCROTFLMAO!!!!!

Ditto, Donna!


<and don't be makin' them "foam crotch flame-o" comments, Shap!>

<small>[ 10-02-2003, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: operatenor ]</small>