Fix your job

[Serenity]

Hi All!

I'm so happy to have found this group...

I work for a well-known world-wide toy distributor. I have a physical abnormality which makes me different than my co-workers and even the kindest of people can't help but stare. I'm afraid it would make me stand out in a dark room.

Most of my co-workers laugh at me and call me names - and one of them is a real Vixen. I'm never invited to join in any social activities or play on any company games such the winter sports popular in my area.

As it turns out, I am the best one in my company to lead the distributing team during the holiday season and even my boss has had to acknowledge this. I am worried that after this season though, it will be business as usual - being treated like an animal.

All suggestions are welcome!

Sincerely,

Rudolph

[Serenity]

The brains of a four-year-old

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and establishes whether you are qualified to be a "professional".

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
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Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

[Serenity]

I'm in charge!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. "I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge ... just an asshole.

[Serenity]

To be a manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees N latitude and between 58 & 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met but now it is somehow my fault."

[Serenity]

Strategic Management

In the Beginning was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odour thereof",
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Organization, and in these areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.
This is How Shit Happens

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

Originally posted by dai bread:
Well said, Selma. I'm glad you never worked for me in one of my departments!

I'm a treat to work with, as long as you don't appoint yourself my enemy. (All my enemies are self-appointed.) I'm sure you'd have had nothing but warm fuzzies, working with me. That's the "honest and generous" part of the strategem.

[treebeau]

Originally posted by Serenity:
Keep on charging the enemy so long as there is life. - My chinese fortune cookie last night.

On the flip side:
Lucky numbers 8,11,32,39,40,46
Learn chinese: Spinach = Bo-cai

I can't resist. Fortune cookie fortunes are much more fun when you add the words "in bed" to the end of them.

Keep on charging the enemy so long as there is life...in bed.

See ?

Here are two I carry in my wallet:

Your success in life must be earned with earnest efforts...in bed.

Our first and last love is...self love...in bed.

And a male friend of mine (who is effiminate, yet defends his heterosexuality) carries this one with him:

Behind every successful man there are other successful men...in bed.

As for speaking Chinese, "Ga-li-ji" = Curry Chicken. Golly Gee, I didn't know Gomer was such a linguist!

Regards,
Tim B.

[dai bread]

Originally posted by Serenity:

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

Ain't it the truth!!!!

[Serenity]

Hi Tree (and fellow BBB surfers), here are more weird fortune cookies I found on the web:

You are almost there. (is this good or bad?)

Our first and last love is Self-love. (no comment)

You have unusual equipment for success, use it properly. (pretty sure that was meant for me)

Never wear your best pants when you go to fight for freedom (I can't disagree, can you?)

A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard. (If you find a fortune like this, Don't eat the cookie)

Everything is not yet lost. (Not often do you see this sentiment in a fortune cookie)

[Serenity]

What should I get my boss on National Boss Day next week?

[RC]

Wow, the possibilities are endless... lets start with a flaming bag of dog poop

[Serenity]

That would set off the fire alarm.
I like the gags from Grumpy Old Men, like the fish in the back seat of the car.
A magnet on her hard drive?
A push pin pierce through her tire valves? Redirect the windshield washer nozzles with a pin?
Toss a couple of cockroaches in her file drawers with some food?
Sign her up for some free safety and supplies magazines at work?

[piqaboo]

spray a few of her file folders with garlic juice.

Hide a rind or wrapper of limburger cheese behind the drawer of her file cabinet (and in front of the back panel of the cabinet.)

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

Originally posted by Serenity:
What should I get my boss on National Boss Day next week?

Fake cut-glass jar, filled with sour balls.

<small>[ 10-09-2004, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: Selma in San Diego ]</small>

[piqaboo]

Put vaseline on the earpiece of her phone.


Unscrew the mouthpiece and remove a critical component for sound transmission. Replace mouthpiece. Try to be nearby when she gets her next phone call (only if you can keep a straight face and demonstrate legitimate business in the area).

Fake cutglass jar, filled with atomic fireballs.
(thanks for the notion, Selma).

[Serenity]

Leave a voodoo doll resembling your boss in their office.

Leave a small box of chocolates, made of ExLax; there's an entrepreneurial idea!

[Serenity]

National Boss Day - glad I'm at home.

I have not heard from Human Resources in 3 weeks. They are apparently still questioning people. Friday, of last week, I got a quick e-mail from HR asking "How's it going? We'll get back to you".

The first thing they did was have my boss e-mail a daily task list every day. That was one of the things I wanted! That way there is no question as to what I have been working on. I send a short reply at the end of the day to update on the status of all tasks.

There have been few interactions between us. It's been kind of weird to watch her bite her lip and refrain from acting out what she is probably thinking. She will usually just walk out instead. It's still hard to work with someone doing contortions in the background.

Heard from a manager of one of the internal jobs posted. They had already made an offer before receiving my application. The person has 2 weeks to decide. Still, we agreed to an informal interview where we toured the work area and I was able to ask questions as we went along.

[dai bread]

"Nil Illegitimi Carborundum", Serenity. Good luck.

[Serenity]

Noli illegitimi carborundum.

This saying was popularized by US General "Vinegar Joe" Stillwell during WWII. He is reputed to have learned it from British Army Intelligence. The word "carborundum" in particular was not of Latin origin. Carborundum is a silicon carbide based substance used for grinding. The expression is a popular saying roughly translated to:

Don't let the b*st*rds grind you down!

Thanks Dai Bread!

[Serenity]

Here is an interesting link on abusive workplace relationships:

http://bullyinginstitute.org/home/twd/bb/res.html

I have experienced several of the Top 25 Tactics Adopted by All Bullies list. The 2003 report in Adobe pdf format is a nice summary of abusive work behavior.

Current update: I'm still waiting to hear from HR. I had to inform my boss of my intentions to interview within the company.