Question on where to draw the line

[redlover1]

Nicole,

I was reading on the original Anna thread just now (been on vacation and trying to catch up on all of the posts) and the topic went off topic (no surprise there hehe) to the surreal. You made some comments on how tough it is for women in the radio/entertainment business and it got me thinking.

In today's day and age where people are afraid of the mentally unstable and the criminals committing heinous crimes, where do you draw the line then? I've been married for five years now but I can still appreciate beauty when I see it. But with rampant accusations of harassment and such, I can see why JM and Barfle said what they said. If you are an attractive guy or girl, would you be offended to take compliments (on your looks) seeing them as a threat to your well being?

When I go to the gym, I see many decent looking people but I never say anything in fear that they will think I am trying to come on to them or think I am "harassing" them. I know you guys must have it pretty rough dealing with the occasional crazies but where do you draw the line from alienating the truly harmless innocent people that has no ill will towards anyone? I would really like to know some opinions from the women on this forum as it would help the guys (and maybe ladies) know what "the line" is and when not to cross it.

Thanks

Devin

[Nicole Marie]

I draw the line once a guy can't take a hint. At work my male co-workers compliment me... "nice shoes, nice coat, what color lip stick it that today?" No big deal. I've known these guys for years, they know Bruno, and we see each other outside of work. So that's a non-issue.

If I'm out shopping etc. without my husband, I've been given compliments before. Said thanks and kept on walking. No harm there. But if you follow me, well yeah, I'd have a problem with that.

I've received emails from listeners while I'm on the air. Some decent, others extremely rude. I don't reply to these emails. Won't give the satisfaction.

On the board (and the Beethoven staff has all discussed this and agree) that the Anna thread was a joke. And I don't mean ha ha. We can monitor web cam hits, watch how long you stay on at the web cam page. The days Anna is on the air, those hits are the highest and longest. Given our audience is 70% men, we know what the probable reason for so many hits, Anna's a good-looking girl. No harm there. But when the majority of comments on that thread are not "great job" but "good looking". (Don't even get me on the emails she receives). It gets old real fast.

Factor that in to our run in's with the occasional nut, we tossed up some walls to protect our own. No harm in that, we've had to do it in the past and will probably have to do it again. So we, not just I, draw the line on that situation. Can't fault us when we watch out for ours.

[Marye]

This happened to me...

Received beautiful long stem roses to my work... no card. I called the Florist,"he paid cash... did not want to put his name on a card"... A day later, mystery man calls, "I sent the flowers Mary... I was too shy to tell you ... I have been watching you for the past 5 years - you were very kind to me once" I'm spooked - he is a Court Reporter and has accessed to my place of work. He asks me out, I say thank you but no thank you. Satisfied he hangs up. Sends me a letter.... "You could have hurt my feelings, but you did not.. I just wanted to thank you.. blah blah blah..." A day after that more roses, this time with a card and his name. "You are a classy woman." I ask that he NOT be allowed back where I worked.

Now... what did he do... he sent me flowers and asked me out... Sounds harmless. Did not feel it.

[Nicole Marie]

Mary - I can understand that. You told him no (in a much more nice way then I would have) and he still sent flowers the next day. And given he watched you for five years (freak) then it's a given this guy is unstable and does not understand the meaning of NO. Good for you to put up your guard. Wanna borrow my pit bulls?

[treebeau]

Roll Hitchcock music...
eek eek eek eek eek !!

Boy marye, please be careful. Maybe try not to be so nice to people. I know, it's hard. Anyway, I hope the guy gets the message.

Regards,
Tim B.

[shostakovich]

I'm with you, Nicole, and Tim on this one. The story has the makings of a Law and Order S.V.U. plot. The guy is a bit creepy. Stay safe.
Shos

[dai bread]

In my place of work we used to get presents (usually flowers) for the on-air people. We always checked with the intended recipient the first time, and usually the flowers ended up decorating the Security station.

If there was a second time, we didn't even bother checking. One of our tougher ladies, a big (and I do NOT mean fat) Samoan, accepted this sort of gift, but the others didn't like them at all.

Such gifts tailed off over the years as word got around about our Security policy. It's amazing how word gets around. This isn't a particularly small town, even by international standards, but word gets round without a doubt.

Nicole is quite right. Defences have to be built up, and maintained. We have enough trouble here. The situation in a bigger place can only be worse.

[bignaf]

Originally posted by dai bread:
One of our tougher ladies, a big

thanks.

[dai bread]

Big, my virtual cheque for your virtual copyright fee is in the virtual mail!

[bignaf]

cheque... what language are you writing?

[Selma in Sandy Eggo]

Big, he's speaking New Zealandish instead of Middle Amurrikan. Both are alleged to have begun as "english" and share many characteristics, but the spelling has a few variations. The virtual cheque will be good, but only in a virtual banque.

It could be worse. I recall once when I had to help my West Tennessee uncle complete a call to a optometric supply house somewhere in New England. This was back when you actually talked to an operator in order to make a long-distance call, and the operator had been raised (reared, she said) in Atlanta, Georgia (Etlenna, Gawghyua, she said). They all roundly criticized me for speaking too quickly but my Left Coast California Standard was at least reasonably comprehensible in all their variously calibrated ears.

I think that operator probably invented direct dialing the following week, out of sheer spite and frustration.

With an in-country history like that, what's a stray "q" here and there. I think they do odd things to "color" and "flavor" and there are other peculiarities to all the different dialects "english" has evolved into.

Just for fun, someday, try working British crossword puzzles.

[piqaboo]

Ectually, the US does weird and very arbitrary things to perfectly lovely words like colour, flavour and theatre.

Noel Webster revised the spelling of these words and their relations on purpose, after the US declared independence from G.B. He wanted the US to have as separate a language as he could manage. He couldnt arrange to have the US stop speaking "English", but as the man that ran the dictionary, he could and did affect how words were spelled.

[Marye]

I never did hear from the "Rose" man again but there have been a multitude of other stalkers, lunatics, nutters and villains that have followed me about Toronto and comparatively speaking, Rose man was harmless. One man followed me from the time I was 25 until I was about 40 and all he ever did was wave hello - never spoke - just watched me and nodded hello. He turned up everywhere that I went. How weird is this? And he must have joined some 12 step programme since he stopped me in the streets and apologised for being a Wally and scaring me for almost 20 years. How Canadian...!!

So Devin... sometimes you can't know what is behind a woman's reaction to a lingering look or a harmless 'hello'.

[piqaboo]

Rose man - spending money out-of-line with the level of connection. Absence of sense of perspective is very scary.

Threats are scary ("she's got a boyfriend", "thats ok I know how to beat people up".). Note also displays absence of normal sense of perspective.

Hard to tell who's a dangerous whacko and who's just confused about the normal social graces and limits. Sadly in US judicial system, the mis-judgement on a woman's part is still too often used to turn her into the criminal instead of the victim. Its improved over past 30 years, but still has a long long way to go.

So, I think we have to expect public figures to be wary. I'd describe "the line" as being comments that imply a greater knowledge of/connection with the person than you really have, or comments that objectify the person rather than deal with the person as a human individual.
The DJ is the DJ - have you had a personal conversation or just watched via the webcam? Is she a person or a sex-object? IMHO, complimenting the person on her looks is easily distinguished from complimenting "the babe" on her looks.

Whew, Im on a rant. Time for meds. Dont have any of my own. Who will share???

[Nicole Marie]

Ummm piq... I've said the She's got a boyfriend comment and never used it as a threat. You are taking that out of context. I've said it to drop the hint that's she's with someone and not interested. Yes once I said, "Anna's got a big boyfriend" but it was said as a joke. Please re-read the original post.

When we mix up true threats with jokes we miss the real issue at hand.

[piqaboo]

YRH,
you misread me this time, I'm afraid.
You once-upon-a-time said (clearly both jokingly and in a gentle 'bakc off' manner) "she's got a bf".
Someone else replied "s'oky, i know how to beat people up.". That is what struck me as inappropriate perspective and therefore threatening.

That's why my example was in two sets of quotes - for two diff speakers.
Im a visual thinker not an aural one, so sorry if not clear due to our diff styles.

S'far as I can tell, I havent made a pass, innocent or otherwise, at anyone at B.com. I can change that if you'd like!

[Nicole Marie]

Sorry, the way you wrote it was like a list and not a converstation. Now I got you. I can see your point on that one. I can see how some would take that. I rolled my eyes knowing the past style of that particular poster. Just an eye roll, not to much of a threat to me.

[Marye]

Whew, Im on a rant. Time for meds. Dont have any of my own. Who will share???

I would Piq.... firstly, because my mama taught me to share

[redlover1]

Hey guys,

Thanks for responding to the post. I was out for a few days so I read a lot of posts to try to get an idea of what "the line" is. As you know Nicole, I have never posted anything about how you or Anna look since I started posting on the BB. I always commented on thanking you guys and to keep up the good work. What stunned me was the debate that followed on the <Welcome Back Anna thread>.

What got me to asking the question is why you sounded the way you did to Jmfryar and Barfle's responses (both of whom you know quite well i'm sure). I know it has to be rough in your business with the more than average attention being directed towards you since you all are radio personalities. I also am disturbed that you all would get "hate mail"....... What could anyone possible say to any of you that would warrant that kind of abuse? There are a lot of wierd people out there and it's too bad that you have to put up the defensive shields in order to protect yourselves.

Maybe this is why it's better to just avoid everyone I guess. A society of hermits that fears possible dange lurking at every turn. Kinda sad really but what can you do I guess <sighs>.

Devin

[Nicole Marie]

We get hate mail, perv mail, your t*ts look great today, "I just saw you stand up! Great Ass!" "Are you single?"... we get it all. And then there are the phone calls. Freak: "Ummm... Hi is this Nicole Marie? It is! Wow, (heavy breath) umm... I wanted to ask a question. Was that really Beethoven you just played?" Me: "That's what I said on the air." Freak: "Oh ummm.... Ok. Thanks." Of course the nut is looking for a conversstion, but I'm not going there. Oh the best was yesterday... some ass wanted to send my co-worker Dan a picture he down loaded from the web cam of me. Lord knows why Dan would care, but this nut thought the picture was worth sharing. Mona Lisa he called it. Ya' sure. I'd post the emails, but I'm not giving these freaks the satisfaction of the attention. Instead I print them, if I go missing one day check the freak file.

I was not picking on barfle or jm. I may have been harsh since the conversation kept going. Done. End of story. But the posts kept coming. All of us at Beethoven were getting tired of it and often I take the lead and put my head on the block instead of Dan or Eric.