What kind of dog are you?

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Postby piqaboo » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:32 pm

I dont feel like guessing.
Altoid - curiously strong.
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Postby bignaf » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:33 pm

navneeth wrote:
bignaf wrote:oh yeah? you're also balding really rapidly? :D

May be I am! :roll: <- I'm going to end up like this guy one day.
:rofl:
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Postby piqaboo » Thu Sep 07, 2006 3:45 pm

Gack! Im an Airedale. Horrible wire-coated square-headed things.
Altoid - curiously strong.
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Postby Catmando » Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:22 pm

Wish I would have been a Weimerreiner (not sure on spelling) or a chocolate lab.

I wonder if Shap would be a Shappard? :rofl:
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Postby Shapley » Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:50 pm

I think someone here has already declared me a Republican Lap Dog. :D
Quod scripsi, scripsi.
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 8:48 pm

Last year I was an Alaskan Malamute. This year "I's a Redbone Coonhound".

This handsome dog is efficient and adaptable when it comes to work (there goes the 'W' word again). Good-natured, affectionate and faithful. :barf:
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:07 pm

Time for Redneck joke............

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. Amos hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Amos was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whoop Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.

His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whoop Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN."
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Postby shostakovich » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:16 pm

I'll be any dog that will pee on a Bush. :D :D :D
Shos
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:19 pm

And a doggie joke...............

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

The stranger asked the store owner, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," the owner replied.

The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," responded the owner, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:23 pm

As dogs, we should take time from our busy schedules to stop and smell the behinds.
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:35 pm

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, does he still get whacked with a newspaper?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to do that stupid shake hands trick to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What the heck do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is that lousy beagle across the street.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven?
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:38 pm

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:42 pm

How To Give a Dog or a Cat a Pill

CAT:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1. Wrap pill in bacon, cheese, or peanut butter; make him beg.
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Postby Serenity » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:48 pm

Dog Haiku

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts -- I celebrate
by kissing your face.
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Postby Catmando » Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:49 am

Serenity, love the cat vs dog - how to give medicine comparison. So true!

You could add to the cat one - don't be alarmed if cat is foaming at the mouth (true story!). Don't worry, it does not mean that your kitty has suddenly gone rabid! :rolleyes:

There was a great post at some point, I'm trying to find it again. I belive it was by Barfle. It was either a post (not a thread I don't think) entitled "Letter to my pets" or perhaps it was the other way around "Letter to my owner"???

Ring a bell?
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Postby bignaf » Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:30 am

yeah, I think it's on jokes. there are both.
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Re: Pets

Postby DavidS » Sun Sep 10, 2006 3:25 am

1. In the UK there is a NSPCC (National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children) but a RSPCA (Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals).
2. Johnny: "My dog can read."
Freddy: "How do you know that?"
Johnny: "Well, he saw a sign saying 'WET PAINT' and he did!"
3. Moishe got scared to death by a barking dog.
Hymie tried to calm him down by reminding him that "A barking dog never bites."
Moishe: "You know that and I know that - but does the dog know that???"
4. Yankel gave way to pressure and converted to Christianity. Several years later a childhood friend met him and asked him what it was like to be a Christian.
He answered: "It's fine, but for two things - I still like Bagels and Lox, and I'm still scared of dogs."
5. In my childhood we used to leave a window open on a first-floor landing for our cat to jump through on its way in and out of the house. One day my Mum forgot to open the window, but the cat jumped through anyway. The window glass was smashed, but the cat remained unscathed.
6. Remember when the Russians put a dog into a satellite? (Londoners will understand this.) He was on the District (Underground) Line: Barking Non-Stop.
Tel grain, tel pain.
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Re: Pets

Postby Selma in Sandy Eggo » Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:23 am

DavidS wrote: Barking Non-Stop.

I Laika that.

About the cat/pill story - good story. My cats must be lazy. I shake the treat container and shove the pill down their throats while they're trying to stare it open. Then I give them a treat. This will work several times a day. Cats have poor memories.
>^..^<
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Re: Pets

Postby DavidS » Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:36 am

Selma in Sandy Eggo wrote:Cats have poor memories.

"Katzenkop"
Tel grain, tel pain.
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Postby FlyingSorcery » Mon Sep 11, 2006 1:04 pm

I don't care what type dog a survey says I am, I only have one motto:

Love me; Love my Bouvier des Flandres.
Opera in English...about as sensible as baseball in Italian. H. L. Mencken
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