Jokes

[bignaf]

I think there already was a "Jokes" thread but i'll start a new one anyway.<BR>definition of subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

[OperaTenor]

Darn, bignaf, I just left a couple for you on the "musicians" thread. :p

[bignaf]

crescendo: a reminder to the singer that he has been singing too loudly.<BR>string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers<BR>glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.<BR>check <A HREF="http://www.dhmusic.net/jokes.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dhmusic.net/jokes.htm</A> for more.

[bignaf]

this is probably <A HREF="http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/</A> the biggest collection but you'll have to dig for the good ones.<p>[ 12-31-2002: Message edited by: bignaf ]

[OperaTenor]

Tenors are secure enough in their own masculinity to not to feel it necessary to sing low. :p

[Blackberry]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by operatenor:<BR><STRONG>Tenors are secure enough in their own masculinity to not to feel it necessary to sing low. :p</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, I always thought that myself. Besides, basses are always the bad guys, aren't they?<P>You know, I hear that a heroic tenor is one who gets by on sheer nerve and . . . oh, you've heard that one? How about the one on a violist and a bassett hound . . . oh, you know that one too?<P>Well, I'm told Eugene Ormandy said, "Even if the right instruments are not here, we will play it anyway. It's only a short piece." I'm told he also said, "With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. ... He is a wonderful man and so is his wife."<P>Of course, I know nothing of this. <A HREF="http://users.actrix.gen.nz/dgold/fun/ormandy.html" TARGET=_blank>I just read it here.<BR></A> Happy New Year!

[priya978]

I need to go to those links. I need a good laugh. I have a 9 hour trip ahead of me tomorrow, that I am NOT looking forward to. SO I won't bother you guys with my troubles.

[bignaf]

<A HREF="http://www.notationmachine.com/musician_jokes_page.htm" TARGET=_blank>a site</A> with tones of music jokes but you gotta search.<p>[ 12-31-2002: Message edited by: bignaf ]

[lliam]

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.<BR>The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."<BR>--------------------<BR>There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.<BR>A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.<P>Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."<P>After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"<P>-----------------------------------------------<P>Q: A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?<BR>A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.<P>Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?<BR>A: Not enough concrete.<P>Q: Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?<BR>A: The good news: it crashed.<BR>A: The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.<P>Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?<BR>A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.<P>Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?<BR>A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.<P>Q: What's the difference between God and a conductor?<BR>A: God knows He's not a conductor.<P>Q: What's the definition of an assistant conductor?<BR>A: A mouse trying to become a rat.<P>Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?<BR>A: Some conductors actually read Greek.<P>Q: How do you know when deadheads have been staying with you?<BR>A: They're still there.<P>Q: What do deadheads say when they run out of pot? <BR>A: What is this awful music?<P>Q: Why did they invent keyboards? <BR>A: So musicians would have someplace to put their beers.<P><BR>Q. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A. Seven - one to change it and the other six to sing about how much better the old one was.<BR>Q. What's the definition of an optimist?<BR>A. A folk musician with a mortgage.<P>Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other?<BR>A. Homeless.<P>Q. How is a savings bond like a musician?<BR>A. Eventually it may mature and make some money.<P>There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician.The other didn't have any money either.<P>Q: How many reggae musicians does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A: Light bulb? We spent da' money on spliffs, mon!<P>Q: How are sopranos defying the laws of astrophysics?<BR>A: The center of the universe shifts with every step they take.<P>Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?<BR>A: The pizza can feed a family of four.<P>Q: How many Musician jokes are there? <BR>A: Just one -- all the rest are true!! <P>Q: Why can't many vocalists get through the door? <BR>A: They either can't find the key or don't know when to come in. <P>Q:What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?<BR>A:The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money. <P>Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?<BR>A: Because most shops close by six thirty.<P>Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?<BR>A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.<P>Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?<BR>A: The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses' asses.<P>We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer but then lost one and became a conductor.<P>Q: If you throw a conductor and a violist off a tall building, who'll hit the ground first?<BR>A: Who cares?<P>Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?<BR>A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.<P>Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a conductor?<BR>A: A Doberman.<P>Q: What do all great conductors have in common?<BR>A: They're all dead.<P>Q: What does new age music sound like played backwards?<BR>A: New age music.<P>Q: What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?<BR>A: Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.<P>Q: What do you get when you cross a music critic with a bowling ball?<BR>A: A bowling ball that wouldn't know a good performance if it heard one.<P>Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?<BR>A: Homeless.<P>Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?<BR>A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.<P>Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.<P>Q: How do you tell if a tenor is dead??<BR>A: The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched<BR>Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?<BR>A: Lipstick.<P>Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?<BR>A: Jewelry.<P>Q: What's the definition of an alto?<BR>A: A soprano who can sight-read.<P>Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?<BR>A: Eleven pounds.<P>Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?<BR>A: Stage makeup.<P>Q: How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?<BR>A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.<BR>Q: Where is a tenor's resonance?<BR>A: Where his brain should be.<P>Q: What's the definition of a male quartet?<BR>A: Three men and a tenor.<P>Q: How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?<BR>A: None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.<P>Q: What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?<BR>A: The tennis final has more men.<P>Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?<BR>A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.<P>Q: What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?<BR>A: The performance causes more suffering.<P>Q: Why do high school choruses travel so often?<BR>A: Keeps assassins guessing.<P>Q: What's the definition of an optimist?<BR>A: A choral director with a mortgage.<P>Q: What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?<BR>A: It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.<P>Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?<BR>A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.<P>Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A: Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.<P>Q: "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?"<BR>A: "Oh, about half a beat behind..."<P>Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?<BR>A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.<P>Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?<BR>A: None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.<BR>A: "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"<BR> :p<p>[ 01-01-2003: Message edited by: lliam ]

[OperaTenor]

Culled from my vault:<P>Top ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:<P>10)The rest of the choir exsists just to make you look good.<P>9)You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.<P>8)Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?<P>7)When sopranos want to sing in the shower, they know the tune.<P>6)It's not like you're going to sing the alto part by accident.<P>5)Great costumes-like the hat with the horns on it.<P>4)How many world famous altos can you name?<P>3)When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.<P>2)When you get tired of the melody, you can sing the descant.<P>1)You can sing along with Michael Jackson.<P><BR>Top Ten Reasons for being a Bass:<P>10)You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.<P>9)You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.<P>8)...or a pre-adolescent boy.<P>7)Action heroes are always basses...that is, if they ever sang.<P>6)You get memorable lyrics like: "bop, bop, bop..."<P>5)If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.<P>4)You never need to learn to read the treble clef.<P>3)If you get a cold, so what?<P>2)For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range to fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.<P>1)If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.<P><BR>Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto:<P>10)You get really good at singing E flat.<P>9)you get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.<P>8)You don't really need to warm up to sing 12 consecutive measures of E flat.<P>7)If the choir really sucks, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.<P>6)You have lots of time to chat during the soprano solos.<P>5)You get to pretend to be better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.<P>4)You can sometimes find part time work singing tenor.<P>3)Altos get all the great intervals.<P>2)When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.<P>1)when altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.<P><BR>Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor:<P>10)Tenors get high...without drugs.<P>9)Name an opera where the bass got the girl.<P>8)You can show sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.<P>7)Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1,000 a ticket to see The Three Basses?<P>6)Who needs brains when you've got resonance?<P>5)Tenors never need to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.<P>4)You get to sing along with John Denver singing High Calypso.<P>3)When you get really good at falsetto, you make good money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.<P>2)Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody ever invented a genre for basses.<P>1)You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

[DavidEB310]

Five more Top Reasons for Being a Soprano:<P>5. First in line at ALL-YOU-CAN Eat night at Pizza Hut.<P>4. Dr. Melfi on-call for all your problems.<P>3. The pleasure of time spent with FAMILY.<P>2. Late to Bed and Late to Rise.<P>1. Bada Bing Girls...BADA BING GIRLS!!!<P>oops, sorry, wrong type of Soprano!

[bignaf]

OT,<BR>LMAO never saw those jokes before. i especially liked the Bass ones. lol

[lliam]

And there's more.<BR>--------------------<BR>A Real Watch Dog <P>A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. <BR>Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" <P>The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around." <BR> <BR>---------------------------<BR> <BR> <BR> Afghani Fowl <P>What's the national bird of Afghanistan? <BR>DUCK!!! <BR>---------------<BR>Alligator Shoes <P>A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.<P>After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"<P>The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.<P>Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" <BR>-------------------------------<BR> <BR> <BR> <P>American in Mexico <P>There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'<P>The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."<P>The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."<P>Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?" It's a cracker! <BR>===================

[lliam]

And there's more.<BR>====================<P>Brutus' Last Stand <P>A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks, "Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?<BR>The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters, "It's mine old timer? What's it to you?" <BR>"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.<BR>"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy. "It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man. <BR>"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief, "No dog could beat my Brutus. <BR>"It's true, my Gunther killed him."<BR>"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?" <BR>"A Chihuahua," answered the old man. <BR>"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way." <BR>"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death." <P> <BR> =============================<BR> <BR> <BR> <P>Bull Grapevine <P>Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. <BR>First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine. <P>Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS. <P>Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows. <P>They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. <P>First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend. <P>Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument. <P>They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. <P>First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it. <P>Third Bull: Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull. <BR> <BR> -----------------------------------<BR> <BR> <BR> <P>C-ing I Dog <P>Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea. <BR>"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said. <P>He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here." <P>The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?" <P>The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar." <P>"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said. <P>"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever." <P>The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar. <P>"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy. <P>The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah… um… a Chihuahua?" <P>The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?" <BR> <BR> =========================<BR> <BR> <BR> <P>Cat On A Hot Tin Roof <P>A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." <BR>The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' <P>The brother thought about it and apologized. <P>"So how's Mom?" asked the man. <P>"She's on the roof and won't come down." <BR> <BR> ----------------------------------------<BR>Cow and Her Apples <P>A squirrel is chillin' in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him. <BR>"Whatcha doin' here?" asks the squirrel. <BR>"I'm here to eat some apples." <BR>"But this is a pine tree!" <BR>"I know. I brought my own apples." <BR>------------------------------------<BR>'It's a cracker'

[bignaf]

LMAO Illiam.<BR>where did you get these jokes from? they're great.<BR>i had in mind music jokes but can't complain about these.

[lliam]

Hi bignaf, I get them of friends and relatives and off the web at: <A HREF="http://www.jokes.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.jokes.com</A> check them out,<BR>Lliam.

[lliam]

And there's more.<BR>-------------------<BR>GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS <P>ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes <P>AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle <P>BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom. <P>CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't <P>CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola" <P>CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes <P>CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs <P>CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa <P>CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong - or <P>CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster <P>CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble. <P>DUCTIA: A lot of mallards <P>EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn <P>ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec <P>GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums <P>HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett <P>INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds: Major Interval: A long time Minor Interval: A few bars Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again <P>INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages <P>ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half <P>MINNESINGER: A boy soprano <P>MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking <P>NEUMS: Renaissance midgets <P>NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets <P>ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" <P>PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education <P>ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts <P>TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge <P>LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns <P>SANCTA: Clausula's husband <P>LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale <P>DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys <P>LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows <P>VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai <P>CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister <P>MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded <P>ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one <P>PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire <P>DUCTIA: Vire's organum <P>MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line <P>BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short <P>TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all <P>TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early <P>LONGA: The time between visits with Vire <P>PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai <P>CROTCHET: An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is not used <P>DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet <P>RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet <P>SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet <P>ISORHYTHM: The individual process of releif when Vire is out of town <P>ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, cause by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper <P>HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum <P>QUAVER: Beginning viol class <P>RACKETT: Capped reeds class <P>RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi <P>SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church <P>SUPERTONIC: Schweppes <P>TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece <P>TROPE: A malevolent Neum <P>TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts <P>STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ <P>AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer <P>METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city <P>ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer <P>RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had <P>ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.<BR>---------------------------<BR>'It's a cracker'

[lliam]

And there's more.<BR>=====================<BR>A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioration of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..." <BR>````````````````````````````````<BR>A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!" <BR>````````````````````````````<BR>A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That b******d detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist. <BR>`````````````````````````````````````<BR>An explorer was travelling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, "There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it's time to worry." This didn't make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. "When the drums stop, it's time to worry" was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, "bass solo". <BR>````````````````````````<BR> <P>What's the difference between a bass and guitar? <BR>You can hit a baseball further with a bass. <BR>````````````````````````````````````````````<BR> :p

[lliam]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bignaf:<BR><STRONG>I think there already was a "Jokes" thread but i'll start a new one anyway.<BR>definition of subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>--------=====-````````````````````````````<BR>These jokes are so bad I can't Handel them. <BR>They make me Lizstless. <BR>They can be too Mendlesohm. <BR>You'd better go out Bach and stay in Haydn. <BR>----------------<P>Gone Chopin <BR>Got my Lizst <BR>Bach later <BR>Probably Baroque. <BR>--------------------<P><BR>

[OperaTenor]

The two rules for being a Tenor:<P>1. The tenor part is <I>always</I> the melody.<P>2. All directions are to be interpreted as "SING LOUDER".<P>