Jokes

[lliam]

Indian Winter.
----------------------------

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea, went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service once again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[BenODen]

LMREO! How's that for an Indian feedback loop!?

[bignaf]

yeah, heard that one before.

[Serenity]

Iliam:
You're killing me! Did you make them up or are you merely passing them on?

[BenODen]

Ok, let's see if I can tell this properly. Sure it's twisted and almost sacreligious, but it's funny!

One day a minister decided that he wanted to go golfing on sunday morning instead of giving that last polish to his sermon.

Now it just so happened that a guardian angel in training was in charge of keeping this minister in line.

The supervisor saw this grevious ommission and ran to the trainee, "Now this needs an expert's hand, will you let me take care of it?"

The trainee says, "NoNo, I've got it covered. Sit back and watch!"

So, that sunday morning, on a deserted golf course, the minister tees off, and the ball goes Straight into the cup, a hole in one!

He can't believe his luck, but he goes out and retreives the ball.

He tees of again, and again, a hole in 1!

By this time the supervisor is looking very pale, but the Trainee waves him off and says, "Wait wait, we're on a roll!"

So, the minister goes through the whole game, and gets a hole in 1 on all the holes.

The supervisor angel turns to the trainee and says, "Now look what you've done, he just had the best game of his life, how is that punishment?"

The trainee says, "Sure, but now he's done with his game, and besides, who's going to believe him!?"

[OperaTenor]

Jesus, St. Peter and Moses decide to go play a round of golf. They come up to a big par 3 water hole, water from tee to green, about 160 yards. St. Peter has the honors, selects his 5-iron, gives the ball a whack & it sails out over the water and lands on the green about 15 feet short of the pin. Moses is next, he gets out his 4-iron and hits the ball solidly, and it lands just on the apron on the far side of the green. Now it's Jesus' turn. He pulls out his 9-iron, and as He walks to the tee, He says: "I saw Tiger woods make a shot just like this with his 9-iron on TV." He hits the ball, and it lands smack in the middle of the pond. As He starts walking out on the water to retrieve His ball, a golfer from the foursome behind them comes up to St. Peter and asks: "Who does that guy think he is, anyway, Jesus Christ?" St. Peter replies: "No, he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

<small>[ 06-13-2003, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: operatenor ]</small>

[dkm32]

Quotes from the old Hollywood Squares:

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly
and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No,wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say - I love you?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing-older question and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling,what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. what will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: To what do Roy Rogers and Dale Evans attribute their long marriage.
A: Paul Lynde: They're both good in the saddle.

[BenODen]

*laugh* Are you sure those weren't M.A.S.H. outtakes!?

[Marye]

Donna.... trivia....who was in the top left hand square in Hollywood Squares...?

[OperaTenor]

Benito must be a Gallagher fan. :p

[BenODen]

Hmmm, actually, Stephen Wright... Maybe he stole it.. Well, I'll steal it now!

-Benito

[lliam]

Originally posted by Serenity:
Iliam:
You're killing me! Did you make them up or are you merely passing them on?

==========================================
Just passing them on Serenity,


Hannibal Lecter 'n' Britney

What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
Dinner at Hooters.

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Hi-Steppin' Mama

Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.


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Hooked On Dem Jets

How are the New York Jets defense and yo mama alike?
You give them a quarter and they'll let you score

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Knock Knock... Sham

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sham.
Sham who?
I didn't know we were talking about yo mama
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Loitering Mama

Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"


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Support Group for Yo Fat Mama

Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her!



----------------------------




10 Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You.
---------------------------------------
1.How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
2.Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.
3.Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.
4.Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
5.That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
6.Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
7.The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
8.Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
9.Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?
10.Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

-------------------------------
Yo Daddy Is So Bald

Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.
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Yo Mama vs. Godzilla

Yo mama's so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.


------------------------------
Yo Mama Bald

Yo mama is so bald I can see what she's thinking
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Yo Mama Bath

Yo mama is so dirty she has to creep up on the bathwater.


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Yo Mama Golden Arches

Yo' mama like a Big Mac -- full of fat and only worth a buck!
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Yo Mama Laundromat

The only difference between your mama and a washing machine is, after you drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow you around!
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Yo Mama Lipbia

Yo' mama's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear.
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Yo Mama Road Sign

Yo' mama so dumb, she waited at a STOP sign until it said GO!


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Yo Mama Stumbled

Yo mama's so big, fat and clumsy, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
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Yo Mama the Gourmet

Your mama cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!


------------------------------------
Yo Mama vs. a Winding Road

What is the difference between yo' mama and a winding road? The winding road has curves you can get used to!


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Yo Mama vs. Titanic

Q: What's the difference between yo' mama and the Titanic?
A: The Titanic sunk and your mama floated.

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Yo Mama's a Saint

Yo' mama a saint...a St. Bernard!
---------------------------------

[lliam]

Who's Marther Stewart?????????
------------------------------------

RANDOM AND CHEAP MARTHA STEWART JOKES
--------------------------------------------
What is Martha Stewarts favorite new soap opera?
One Life To Shiv!

Yo Martha Stewart so stooopid… she willingly engaged in shameful acts of insider trading, effectively stealing from the backs of other investors not privy to vital, secret company information, and now she’s shaking in her apron, setting sail on the paddle-deficient USS Frigid Crook that’s slowly winding up the fabled fecal syrup creek.

What do you get when you cross Martha Stewart with an octopus?
A gourmet crook with eight tentacles and a hoity-toity TV show and instead of a mouth, a beak that shoots a camouflaging mist of merlot.

How many Martha Stewarts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None! You can’t get at the lights; they’re all bolted to the ceilings in Cell Block C!

Three hot dogs are sizzling on a grill.
One hot dog screams, “YEEE-ARRGH!”
The hot dog next to him screams, “OH MY GOD, HOT DOGS CAN TALK!”
And the other hot dog screams, “YES! AND CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY ARRESTED THE WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL MARTHA STEWART? I MEAN, SHE BRAISES A MEAN RABBIT WITH BABY CARROTS, LEEKS AND BURGUNDY, BUT WHAT SHE WAS DOING WITH IMCLONE WAS WHACK.”

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart who?
Martha Stewart if you let me hide in your basement under a mattress for six months, I’ll cook you butternut squash soufflés, knit you tasteful duvets out of silk, and make you soothing homemade bath salts. Hurry up, the fuzz is almost up my ass.

Martha Stewart and a blonde with ADD are having a conversation.
Martha Stewart goes, “You’re an uncouth, frivolous, uncultured, tasteless and stupid woman. I loathe my proximity to your noxiously ordinary self.”
And then the blonde with ADD goes, “I like green! What’s your favorite shape? Pony?”

A father and son are out hunting ducks.
“Father?” asks the son, “Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a goose.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s a crow.”
“Father? Is that a duck?”
“No son, that’s just Martha Stewart wearing a duck hat.”

What’s yellow, crusty, fluffy, pastel, and has tasteful trim?
The mouthful of crème brulee Martha Stewart spat out on her accent pillow when she SEC showed up at her door.

Martha Stewart Living Fall Lifestyle Tips:
* Never mix your orange jumpsuit with a clashing gang bandana.
* Teardrops and webbings carved into your face with a razor blade and a ball point pen is tre passé. Slice in something seasonal--like a pineapple. Or a classic like sparkling stars.
* Tired of your daily ration of meatcakes and pudding? Spice it up with plenty of viscous tomato puree or “catsup.” Remember that not only does catsup kill the taste, it’s almost a vegetable.
* Lower intestine stuffed with a balloon of heroin? Just a tablespoon of Epsom Salt should flush that precious package right out!
* Your submissive cell mate deserves a treat! A little hint of lavender or vanilla will scent the sock you stuff in your bitch’s mouth before dolling out sorely needed discipline. Aromatherapy... it’s a good thang.
* Thinking about rolling up your sleeves while pumping iron? A little soap scum can be used to grease those muscles right up so they glint in the prisonyard sun.
* Hot colors this season: Mandarin; Apricot; Traffic Cone; Caribbean Sunset; Pumpkin; Life Preserver; Electric Sunkist.

[lliam]

The Novice Reporter
--------------------------------
A young reporter once covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman Raped, Mental Patient Escapes". The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend F's and Flee's"


The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with
"Nut Screws and Bolts".
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George of the Jungle
--------------------

George of the Jungle lived all alone in the jungle with no other people. Since there were no other people, George had no one to have sex with and instead screwed a hole in a tree everyday. One day, he found a woman, an abandoned orphan like himself, in the jungle and the call to do the wild thing became too much. Soon, they were making out and getting pretty hot 'n' heavy -- until George kicked the woman in the crotch.
"What you do? Why?" she exclaimed.
"Must check for squirrels."
---------------------------

Yo mama's...Fat

Yo Mama is so fat, she goes to the desert and sells shade
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A lady and her baby...
------------------------

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
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10 People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize
--------------------------------------------------
1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
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<small>[ 06-14-2003, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: lliam ]</small>

[dkm32]

Originally posted by Marye:
Donna.... trivia....who was in the top left hand square in Hollywood Squares...?

I have no idea! I can picture most of the setup, but, of course not that square. :confused:

[dkm32]

Originally posted by dkm32:

Originally posted by Marye:
[b] Donna.... trivia....who was in the top left hand square in Hollywood Squares...?

I have no idea! I can picture most of the setup, but, of course not that square.

[bignaf]

Karajan has a nervous breakdown. he goes to the psychiatrist. the psychiatrist says: "Tell me the whole story from the begining." and Herby begins "in the begining I created heaven and earth..."

<small>[ 06-18-2003, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: bignaf ]</small>

[OperaTenor]

Big, lol!

[BenODen]

*howl* Oh yea. That's new on me!

[Serenity]

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

<small>[ 06-19-2003, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: Serenity ]</small>