Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Postby BenMurphy6 » Thu Jun 19, 2003 9:04 pm

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
...........annnnd there goes my beer. all over the monitor. thanks. :p
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Re: Jokes

Postby bignaf » Thu Jun 19, 2003 9:26 pm

lol, serenity. Ben the :p is supposed to depict you licking the beer off the monitor????
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Re: Jokes

Postby BenODen » Thu Jun 19, 2003 9:31 pm

Serves you right for drinking that swill.. Er, I mean, you shouldn't be drinking that here! That always happens! :p
If only I could fly on my own wings.
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Re: Jokes

Postby lliam » Fri Jun 20, 2003 7:18 am

:D Statue Payback :D
------------------------
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on it's head!" :D :D :D
Lliam.

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best
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Re: Jokes

Postby lliam » Fri Jun 20, 2003 9:53 am

A few elephant jokes off my next door neighbours son, enjoy:

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants !

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ?
So he could hide in the cherry tree !

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
When your nose touches the ceiling !

What do you call an elephant that flies ?
A jumbo jet !

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ?
Big holes all over Australia !

How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !

What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence ?
Time to fix the fence !

Why does an elephant wear sneakers ?
So that he can sneak up on mice !

:)
Lliam.

I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted - George Best
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Re: Jokes

Postby OperaTenor » Fri Jun 20, 2003 12:48 pm

A very meticulous man was going build a brick barbeque in his back yard. He had designed it, and knew it would take exactly 300 bricks to build his BBQ. When he called the hardware store to order his bricks to be delivered, he explicitly instructed them they were to deliver 300 bricks, no more, no less. The bricks were delivered, the man built his BBQ, and was furious to discover they had in fact delivered 301 bricks, and he had one left over. In his rage, he threw the brick straight up into the air!

Get it? :D :D :D :D
"To help mend the world is true religion."
- William Penn

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Re: Jokes

Postby OperaTenor » Fri Jun 20, 2003 12:54 pm

Mo' elephant humor: (may not be suitable for Owlet)

Why do elephants paint their b@!!$ red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

Why do elephants wear green felt hats?
So they can hide on pool tables without being seen.

Have you ever seen an elephant on a pool table?
It must work.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of trees.

Why is it unsafe to go into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants are jumping out of trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
They go into the jungle between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

What's the black stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow pygmies.

:D :D :D :D
"To help mend the world is true religion."
- William Penn

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Re: Jokes

Postby OperaTenor » Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:04 pm

DO NOT READ THIS POST FIRST! GO BACK TWO POSTS AND START THERE.
(otherwise the humor won't work)

Back when it was legal to smoke on an airliner, a man arrived late to his flight to find all of the seats taken. He happened upon a woman who had her chihuahua with her, and she had the dog occupying an otherwise empty seat. He asked her if she would move the dog as there were no other seats, and she put the dog on her lap. After the flight got in the air, the man pulled a huge cigar out of his coat pocket, lit up, and began puffing away. Right away, the smoke began to irritate the dog, and he began this pitiful hacking as only a chihuahua could hack. After some time the woman asked the man if he would put out his cigar as it was bothering her doggie so much. He said he would not. It was a very expensive cigar, and he was entitled to enjoy it. As a matter of fact, why doesn't she just take her dog and set him out on the wing, if he's so bothered by the smoke? Without seeing another solution, the woman decided to do just that. She rolled down the window and set her dog out on the wing. Sometime later, the man finished his cigar, rolled down the window and threw it out. After about twenty minutes or so, the woman realized she could now bring her dog back inside. She went to the window and looked out. There her dog sat, on the wing, but something was in his mouth. What do you suppose it was?


No silly, it was the brick! :D :D :D :D :D (see above post. no, the one above mo' elephant humor!)

<small>[ 06-20-2003, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: operatenor ]</small>
"To help mend the world is true religion."
- William Penn

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Re: Jokes

Postby dkm32 » Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:06 pm

Singles ad:

The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy.
Donna
aka: Josef Strauss Nut
Vienna Waltz Nut
Nut in general
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Re: Jokes

Postby Marye » Fri Jun 20, 2003 1:29 pm

Donna,

hilarious!

thank you :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby BenODen » Fri Jun 20, 2003 2:34 pm

*HOWL* Owie!
If only I could fly on my own wings.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Sat Jun 21, 2003 11:13 pm

What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your spouse returns to you, your dog comes back to life and you get out of prison.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash tthe old one on his forehead.

Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
Milton says "It's a Lawrence Welk?"
Michael asks "What's a Lawrence Welk?"
Milton answers "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
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Re: Jokes

Postby dkm32 » Mon Jun 23, 2003 12:57 pm

Subject: You live where?

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You Live in the South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and
cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.


You live in Arizona when . . .
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or
the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in
the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your
face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities.
Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU
KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
Donna
aka: Josef Strauss Nut
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Nut in general
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Re: Jokes

Postby barfle » Mon Jun 23, 2003 1:40 pm

Excellent, Donna!
:D :D :D :D

Four LOL smilies for you!
--I know what I like--
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Re: Jokes

Postby Selma in Sandy Eggo » Mon Jun 23, 2003 5:38 pm

Those aren't jokes, Donna. I can vouch for the accuracy of California, the South, Colorado, and Arizona. I suspect the rest are equally accurate.

Excellent! :D :D :D
>^..^<
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Re: Jokes

Postby bignaf » Mon Jun 23, 2003 10:24 pm

I can vouch for New york. LOL.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Mon Jun 23, 2003 11:02 pm

The Midwest is accurate...so is Maine (Where men are men...and so are the women).
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Tue Jun 24, 2003 12:04 pm

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes!

That's not right!
Sum Ting Won

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I think you need a face lift..
Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here..
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet...
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone...
No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week...
Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight...
Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile...
Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive...
Yu Stin Ki Pu
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Re: Jokes

Postby OperaTenor » Tue Jun 24, 2003 12:40 pm

Serenity, lol!
"To help mend the world is true religion."
- William Penn

http://www.one.org
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Re: Jokes

Postby Serenity » Tue Jun 24, 2003 12:44 pm

Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either nail it in or toss it over his shoulder.

The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"

<small>[ 06-24-2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: Serenity ]</small>
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